if you exist

dear reader [if you exist],

let me address the fact that it is much more difficult to write in a blog when you are back home and have requirements and expectations for everyday living.

welcome back to nashville!

there are a few monumental things that happened today.

• i didn't oversleep, my car made it to work and i completed a full work day (after staying up far too late atop a long day of traveling.... oops).

• i had to be an adult (of which i encountered people who were actually nice and enjoyed their job, and who did not make me more scared of taking care of loans, bills, etc.).

• and i finished the night with a wonderful game of unpack, reorganize and get so sick of it you watch all the same movies you've already seen and then fall asleep on the couch*

• a bump in the road has happened for the viva mexico trip**

all this to say, i'm exhausted, my bed is made just enough so i can sleep in it, and the warmth in the room is lulling me to sleep. tomorrow's a new day, and the beginning of celebrating the new year [and decade. oh, man, that just came out of no where].

other events planned for tomorrow: letter writing, cleaning, and work. awesome***

love love love.

*my room is not finished.... still

**i got my passport!!!!! yes yes yes. oh thank you, i look like i'm already traveling the world.... i have a feeling this passport is going to see many many places!

***this is half sarcastic half dead serious.

dear john, sorry we're breaking up...

dear extra 30 pounds on my body,

you have plagued my life far too long, therefore, prepare yourself to die. and guess what... you're going to die quickly. no slow painful death, thank you very much. 

so. as soon as i am back in the great nash, you will begin to pack your things and leave me. 

love, kami

love love love

ps. i am really in love with the movie julie & julia

pps. a new thought in my life.... (which is more like an idea that's always been there).... be a tattoo artist? 

ppps. if you haven't seen sherlock holmes yet, you'd better get your ass up and go see it. 

pppps. i love my family... but i am excited to be back in Nashville.

tis so sweet to be home

i am home.

praise the sweet sweet Lord.

i made it safely (although my plane got delayed twice equalling to an hour or so). the ride in the limo from the airport to the house was excruciatingly (i just spelled that correctly on the first try!) long. sheesh.

it has been the biggest blessing to be home. currently, no one is home. Meg is at a doctors appointment, the boys are.... somewhere?... padre is at the office and the madre is at the office as well. so here i am, little annie and i hanging out. there is about 7 inches of snow hanging out on the ground.... and guess what? it's still snowing.

they are family, and i am so thankful that they made this trip possible - %100. i wouldn't be here right now if they hadn't gotten me here, and sheesh, it feels SO good to be loved like that!

this morning i got to spend time with my dear baby kirst, which, let me tell you, was one of the greatest things - it was almost 9 months since i had seen her last and those nine months were TERRIBLE without her. she is beautiful, and inspires me, and yet again, asked me to move to seattle with her. OH the temptation. However, I need to move for me, not for her (as jacquie says). I'll be there one day, but when I am supposed to be there.

the grandparents (kk & big jim) are coming in today. it is my job to a. clean the house before they get here, and b. make sure that i have worked out and showered and look my best when they arrive.

so far, nothings cleaned (i'm in my fifty cent men's denim shirt and leggings).

as for now,

sionara.

the skinny

so.

it's happening.

first. i have begun a biggest loser competition with my roommate, and two of her coworkers (and my friends).

second. i'm going to win.

third. i am going to document the whole process of weight loss and getting healthier [everything] as soon as i get home from chicago (in about 10 days).

the lovely sarah barlow and myself are going to keep the records and start the documentation, for the public, but really for our own benefits and the beauty of a process.

fourth. i am SO excited.

fifth. just you wait. you won't even know what's going to happen to you [or to me, rather].

summer in short shorts? yes please.

mexico very very soon?! cannot wait. cannot wait for leggings and 120 & 35mm film. praise the lord.

here is home

there are plenty of reasons why i steer clear of leaving nashville.

sometimes i feel like if i leave i might either get stuck somewhere else or nashville might disappear while i'm away, and again... i'm stuck. about two weeks before leaving i am thrilled and could not be more ready to go, but when it comes to the final 5 days before going there is anxiety shooting through the roof. its almost unbearable, hence not leaving town.

here is home. i hate leaving it. i've made a home for myself, a place where i love, feel loved and feel that i love best in. to leave is like walking away from one of the greater things that has happened in my life (again, this fear that it'll disappear when i get on that plane arises). atop of that fear, this time, i am leaving to go where there is a lot of wounds [hurt, scars, heartache]. for seven whole days.

i've never been away from nashville more than five days. eesh. i'm scared.

i love my family. i really do. they have taken me in and treated me as their sister and daughter. but it is hard. i get to watch every family member be in love with someone and then drill me as to why there is no one home with me. hurrah! what i've been waiting for all year [please pick up on this sarcasm].

it breaks my heart - every year it is harder to not have someone supporting me while i'm home - someone who loves me [romantically, hello]. someone to rescue me from all the ridiculousness, all the awkward conversations, my dad, my sister, my aunt and uncle, to support me through the pain, and help me to be joyful. although it gets harder some ways, it gets easier too.... i think i'm more used to it than anything. although i'll probably throw up whenever someone kisses another person [yes i am 9 and embarrassed].

i'm scared to see my father. its been two years, or more.

i want to visit my mom's grave. golly. i miss her.

i cannot wait to see meg & the fam. i cannot wait to see kirst.

i really want to drink boboa tea.

i really want to go to the leather thrift store and spend money i don't have.

my heart hurts. my anxiety has kicked in. i'm nervous to fly. i hate being far from home.

another year. another year alone. ok. ready? go. i can do this? yes. i hope so. give me strength.

love love love

goals

i am compiling a list of goals [which will be added to], things that i really want to do in my lifetime. 

ready?

a. explore gunkanjima [status: journalists are now allowed to land on the island!] 

and i can't remember the other goals that i had. so i'll have to edit. awesome.

i think i've lost sight of myself.

now, to process that.

favorite : jake

far left: jake

One of my favorite things about having Bicycle Kitchen in the Bowl Room is that it is so close to all the skating that happens.... and all the people that do it. 

Today Jake [my absolute favorite student from summer camps in 2008] was in the park, it was great. it made my life a better place.... And that he remembered me and was so excited to see me. I loved being the care-taker & park nurse that summer, teaching and encouraging. sheesh. I loved it and today just made my life a better place

peace & love.

why the hell not?!

In the past month or so I have reached many heights that I had NO clue I would reach. 

and i cannot be more excited about where i am at in life.  as much as i cannot wait to be near jeff and jax, i am glad for the everyday and where i am TODAY. [so thankyou nashville and everyone that i love for being there and making HERE home]

1. the [rabbit]. 

i have successfully had published and music review that i have written. MAJESTICO. circulating through the country, but the online version i will post soon.

2. i have officially been asked to sing in a band and write music. 

who knew my life-long dream has begun to blossom and seem like a reality!

3. my face has been published in a national fine art magazine! 

FOCUS (the Special 4th Anniversary Issue). 

[as soon as i get a legit photo of it, i will post that too]

4. Bicycle Kitchen

It's FINALLY happening! 

OCTOBER 22 - GRAND OPENING! [it'll be a party to kick off what we're doing in this community some of us like to call home, others know as Nashville]

I cannot be more thankful for where things are headed, where i've come from and who the hell knows what to expect next. 

AND

words to live by:

"why the hell not?!"

the end. 

love. love. love. 

k.

for now, sayonara.

my heart hurts. no boy. i've deleted that idea from my life for the time being - until further notice.

i have decided for myself that i need to be alone. i am young. i always forget that.

i need to remember that i am about 3-7 years younger than those around me. therefore, i shouldn't be where they are. therefore i don't need to be pushing so far ahead. take my time. take my time.

lately the only thing i want to do is move to seattle. it's killing me being so far from jeff and jax. and what's killing me even more is the reality of my finances. i don't believe i will be able to visit them this year. which, if i start to talk or think about it, i cry. no lies.

i hate being far away. i hate feeling alone... that i have no supporters here. i hate the feeling that i am a terrible artist. there is so much packed inside of me, so many different ideas, so much potential, but i can't bring them to fruition... they're stuck inside and it hurts. the feelings are real. i am a strong believer that emotions are very true, very real, and should never be discarded. (thank you jacquie & my old therapist for teaching me that).

so now. i'm stuck. what do i really want? to make art. to love. i want to sing, to make music, for a time. i haven't admitted that in years. somebody asked me why i don't? i responded "i don't know... i can't play any instrument" when in actually i should have said, "taylor asked me the same thing..."

so maybe music is a new avenue i can dance around in. we'll see. there are some opportunities. the real question is if i have the capability of being good.

for now sayonara.

love.

lost & found

in my effort to revive my life in photography and that section of my art, i have realized that there is a good chance the majority of my files (the documentary ones.... the ones i love) are only little baby files.

so in honor of them (you bet i'll figure out something to do with them):
malibu, california. laguna, california. arcadia, california. los angeles. asian market, chicago-land area. chicago. michigan city, indiana.

herbs and struggles and vegetable gardens

we have found 10 men in this city, collectively, who adamantly don't.

which is sad.

i don't for my own reasons. i think i might try it once, maybe, if my sister weren't such a huge influence in that area of life.

it doesn't make sense to me, for the most part, why so many people aren't adamant about not doing it, especially if they're in the church, actively, or even claiming. you know. good people. good men. kind, caring, genuinely good men.

it has spurred conversations that have been somewhat enlightening. perhaps airing more on the side of perspectives. different perspectives.

it makes sense. and it doesn't. all at once. which i guess is kind of how society actually is these days. illogical - making sense, and not.

one day. one day.

at the very same time, there are so many things that are lacking in my life, so many places where i am a hypocrite, where i am not what i say i am. hypocrite is the wrong word, its more like many different areas where i struggle. communication, devotion, etc etc. the lists go on. everyday life is a struggle. one day i am good and on track and the next i am seeking to be back on that very track i just jumped off of. we all have issues. i embrace that. that is real. that is real life. it's life. we struggle, work through. some are satisfied being in the struggling state, others are struggling towards something. its a journey, a process, there's an ultimate goal at the end, but when we really think of it (and someone great once spoke this into my life) that it is more about the process than it is about the end goal. constantly reviewing and renewing and working towards being a better, loving person, who is real and honest and full of integrity, that struggle [the working through] is often more important than the end goal. especially considering that we are on a time line, we need tangible, we need present realities. so in the moment, the goal is what works us through, but the process is often more important.

love love.

new & used

it has been decided that i will go back to school for photography. i still have to send in my application, i know, but its almost done and i have quite a few phone calls to make for that.

talked with mark about working for him when cait can't, that's looking positive. also going to be doing some work for NPG.

i used casey's camera before she left. it was good. it felt right. i want to document life. work through things, interact, relate, and take notes of the whole thing. i just had to take a hiatus from it for a while. but i'm thinking i'm ready to be back. when it comes down to it i'm all for traveling and loving people and photographing everything along the way.

jer suggested that i get a pentax k 1000. so when i get a job, and get some money, i'm for it. jer is also going to be updating my website. so prepare yourselves for that. i was planning on giving you a sneak peak, however, its looking as its not going to upload anything. hmm. "internal problem" whatever that means.

great things schmate things.

i believe that i am meant for great things. 

but i feel like those great things aren't happening.  i was told years and years ago that there will be so many great and crazy things that happen to me, that i will do great things with my life. but i feel like nothing great is happening. which is perhaps the biggest bummewave around. verbally and knowledgeably you know you're worth something, but deep inside its a feeling of uselessness.  i am both blessed and cursed with an older mindset. i feel about 5 years older than i am, and if we're being honest, i act about that too. which makes it difficult for working and being in places you don't want to be.  i want to travel and create and love people, but i feel like all i'm doing right now is being stuck with a random job that doesn't make much of an impact on anyone. so how do i remedy that? knock down my pride a whole bunch. 

i don't really know where to start. i mean. i guess the logical places to start would be figuring out something that i really want to do. being able to market something. making art again. because without art there is an expanse of emptiness. which is heart wrenching. 

i hate being the bummerwave. sheesh. 

[velour sport jacket, cut off jeans & chucks. amen]

many things i am learning these days.  

i have vetoed Spokane.  i am not against spokane, but i am going to postpone the trip to when i can combine two trips into one [and have more fun]: spending time with eric & craig, and visiting jeff & jacquie.  jacquie helped with this decision.  "you answer to yourself and to God. and then when you DO go and give and love, it's because you LOVE and want to give and go and do." I had been feeling the pressure and the expectations to be in spokane, but it wasn't making sense. so i am going to buy a $49 ticket that will allow me to be in chicago for a while. it's a much better plan.  i tend to get overwhelmed by people having expectations of me that i didn't necessarily set. you know? its a frustrating situation because what can you do when they're family? what can you do when they've provided so much for you? the realization was that in order to be free, in order to be myself i have to have this idea that i answer to no other person. that way i am not burnt out. that way i am not loving half heartedly.  do what you want, do what you love, you'll love better. 

as for men. i still have no concept of understanding. sheesh. i can't even begin to understand they're opposite behavior.  i can't even muster up even a simple idea of how its so okay to ignore and pretend like i am invisible. because, quite frankly its not. and then to be way into it for a brief second. makes  no sense. makes me a little sick. makes me kinda want to cry and even more so makes me want to be even more independent and be the best i can be, making art and being who i am. so [terrible] positives and negatives. the end.  it's a funny thing since not more than 6 months ago my only friends were dudes. and now, unless if i am into you or know for an absolute fact that you're not into me, i have such a hard time hanging out with you. no offense, it's just how things are these days. i don't understand it, but i get real awkward. 

i miss making art a lot. i haven't been doing it lately.  this possibility of taking care of caya less is presenting possibilities for more artwork in my life.  the absence of creating in my life is taking me further away from my lord. i need space. i need a place where i can leave my paints, leave my fabric, canvas, tools, and whatever else out and have projects here and there, some on pause, some moving full speed ahead. 

rocketown is a no-go [unless some miracle happens]. so i'm hoping and praying that something will open up.  i've emailed a few people. i'm crossing the fingers and shooting up the prayers. 

i'm drinking some mint glory right now. 

bike ride with colby later. praise the lord. kool lemon bike here i come.

[thank you velour sport jacket, cut off jeans & chucks. amen]

thursdays

thursdays are perhaps my favorite day. not definitely, but they're up there on the list.  so let's throw in some a. a. bondy, a book about rats and maybe some other things. oh grey's, hello. having el with me during awkward interactions. caya acting like she's on crack or maybe speed, maybe both. i don't know.  all of these things make for a great thursday.  

....

i believe in the power of honesty. i don't care if you feel "less manly."  honesty [integrity] is not only honorable, but it is attractive.  that feeling of being emasculated is momentary. i promise. i beg for your honesty and truthfulness.  i desire for you to be full of integrity. 

i wish that intentions were stated up front. that if you are intrigued and want to get to know me, you tell me, up front. but i don't really want you fucking around. i don't have time for that. you probably don't either.  let's be honest, i'll be hurt more than you. 

i try to have hope in men. due to past experiences i already have a tainted view of them. they're liars, deceivers, manipulators, self-consumed, self-driven, and they will use you until you are useless to them. that is what they are in my mind. every time i find someone who seems to be full of integrity i expect them to let me down. or i expect the best things from them. i don't just let them be who they are. expectationless. i box, label, package them up and try to ship them off, leaving no room for growth, no room for being the man he can be.  

i have this issue. i'm independent. very independent. i don't want your help. i don't want your money. i'm proud, and i can do it by myself. [and for some reason i expect people to rely on me and be vulnerable. its really not fair] inevitably, i have turned into someone who is comfortable pursuing others. i have always been the one to pursue my brothers, my father, etc etc. and so, i, most times, don't allow people to pursue me. its unfortunate really. i don't understand what that looks like or how it would feel. that's why a fighter is so important, someone who is going to shake me and tell me that i need to cut me shit out and allow him to come in.

i was told by a man that you don't find the person to be with by searching for them. so there. i wipe my hands free of it. my goal is to live my life, to its fullest, loving people continuously. the key is to stay in the correct mindset. be independent, but don't be closed off to people. 

all this to say. there are a lot of things that i need to figure out. a lot of humbling and healing that needs to occur. 

also. i'm trying to get a job back to rocketown. a few days a week. pray pray pray. because that'd be amazing. 

love love.

i don't listen to voicemail, except to delete them. 

i don't like checking my bank account, unless i have lots of money in it. 

i support eating fish, and crustaceans, not so much on the other meats. 

i love organic food, aside from the occasional bug and the murder it does to your pocketbook. 

i like to create everything possible. even though i'm all about having too many projects going at once. 

i'm currently reading a book about rats. its actually really interesting and ellie is about to read a book called the species of the planets and something. i don't know. but then we can be crazy together. 

i kind of enjoy being the crazy person anywhere i go. you know, the girl who might just be off her rocker if you're just observing me. 

i believe most things i hear. i need to work on this... aka. check the credibility of the information i am receiving, because i tend to fight things to the death. 

okay bye. 

the open door & the new year

death cab for cutie played last night [their second night in nashville] at the ryman auditorium. you know, the one where johnny cash, james brown and all the legends played. "sounds great" you think to yourself, well think again. it was incredible. 

literally. 

ra ra riot kicked the evening off with a great set. some poor sound and mixing, but lets be honest, they're fairly new at this "huge auditorium" thing, so i'm gonna give them a break. they just need some time adjusting from exit/in size venues to actual auditoriums. the only complaint i've heard [while still a positive one] is that maybe it'd be way more amazing if their cello and violin were the real deal instead of completely electronic [cool, but not as cool as having actual ones].  the six-man band [two of which are females] have hit it pretty high, considering that death cab had asked them to be on the tour... meaning they've got some respect from the already-respected. 

[rarariot.com]

next up: matt costa. while i was a bit skeptical, he delivered a show that was worth remembering. only knowing two songs [mr. pitiful & magnolia], and hearing some of his music 

here and there, i wasn't entirely sure what to expect. however, his voice and musical talent held the show - the entire auditorium [the sound was set correctly for this one] and, i believe, left quite a few people not only in awe, but eager to hear some more from him. he graced us with the presence of his glasses (and quite a few band-mates) making him to look like a perfect mixture of andrew bird [who will be joining later on in the tour] and friend, mike couse. he ended his set with merely his voice to make the perfect conjunction to he headlining set. 

[mattcosta.com]

and then of course, death cab for cutie. musical geniuses and great performers. no one can argue with ben gibbard's story telling & song writing abilities as well as the entire band's "true to album" and excelling performance. there's not much more to say other than they not only held their own, but performed over the top and raised the bar. not just with the actual set, but with a five-piece encore. and no one was begging them to be over.  they have been a part of my life for the past nine years and it was quite magical and enchanting to see the full band play. and play a glorious set at that. 

ben gibbard took the auditorium by surprise when performing "i will follow you into the dark," solo, acoustic, and without mics. even though this tour is to support their new EP [the open door] they played songs from almost every album they've released. it is indeed a goal of mine to one day be able to be friends with them, because their music has not only influenced me but has spoken deeply to my soul and carried me through many times. perhaps one day i will be able to thank them personally for the art they've created and shared and the art work that they have inspired me to create.  

[deathcabforcutie.com]

a few side notes:  

making some changes in the way i think about things. grey area's aren't necessarily bad, they just mean that there is NO room for assumptions. therefore, don't assume anything until you know for sure. 

i really need to be seeking the Lord. it's difficult when there isn't a set time everyday to do it. 

cha and i have been talking about how to let others in, how to not be defensive, but to be transparent and vulnerable. its rough lately, i've built up a wall that isn't helping anyone. i need help, i just have to get to the place where i can actually ask for it. 

i'm trying to figure out more what i want to do with my life.  art clearly, but right now the desire is : be able to travel and work. travel all over and still work... create art wherever i am. how beautiful is that thought? 

children's book is coming along. it's being worked through, trying to set the foundations of it. its difficult, but once it is done, i believe that it has the potential to be something amazing, even if it just ends up being for me. 

i need to start working with some film, i still love it, i do. i just need to kick myself in the ass and do it. 

ideologies & illusions

music.

-I keep coming back to horse feathers & frightened rabbit. they're just so good. 

-Nathanael Mehrens is an amazing musician. seriously. he's legit and really quite impressive. lets be honest. and we're friends. ish.  i haven't uploaded it to my computer yet, but every night i listen to it. its fantastic. 

movies. can't wait for "where the wild things are" to come out. its going to be amazing. i can feel it in my bones. [ http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3413574425/ ]  i also think it is quite vital that whoever it is that creates these things [spike jones. jump on this.] please create a movie of "the little prince" its one of my very favorites. 

a couple updates: 

 - front man homeboy. the end. 

 - caya started having nightmares. 

 - mikey signed me up for Paste magazine [pastemagazine.com] under the name "kamalama baergen"

 - kirsten isn't living with us. which is sad. 

 - i found 12 snails yesterday and am currently watching a slug crawl across the back window.

 - its tsunami-ing. and monsoon-ing.  hurrah. 

here's another list. These are things that I want in my life.  whatever my "career" [per say] is. 

make art - create, build, sell. 

have a home that is open & hospitable

-"money vase" concept. - open doors to a safe haven for people in need of beauty and hope 

travel. a lot. photograph it. capture what i see, who i interact with, etc. 

help people - the beauty & tragedy of the world.

a shop. co-own/own. maybe a cafe/venue or gallery/art/home store, where we make and sell. [preferably to do this with jax.]

have a flexible job, yet stable. 

have a degree, perhaps a masters. 

pay bills & not live in debt. 

have a studio. [that i don't have to travel far to. maybe just in my backyard]

write & illustrate a children's book. that's amazing. 

one day, to be married. perhaps even a family? 

i am still trying to rearrange & refine my values and ideologies. the things that i [should] desire are standing right in front of me. but the things that are "desirable" are those that enter in and out. passerby's. they don't last, they aren't full of integrity, they aren't faithful or fulfilling. my perspective is changing, slowly, and rather difficultly, but they're definitely being refined. 

love love love. 

ps. praise the lord my car is working thus far. prayers that the money will come in the fix the rest of the car. amen. 

dear eloquence

i am not eloquent. i wish that i was, however, i often get tangled and caught up and tripped over my words. and when it comes down to it i just need to forget that it happens and move right along, just own that embarrassment (rather, that characteristic that i hold). and when i own it, people notice less. that is beautiful. some people are cruel and point it out, but the people who are truly kind allow me to take my time and are patient with my words.

moving along .

i love that the lord reveals things to us even when we are not acting in a proper way (i really mean appropriate, not stiff back and tight words). it always amazes me how much i learn when i make the mistakes -or- when i am in a situation that is not the best, rather than being told how things work.

i now understand that charm is deceptive. i now understand how important integrity is and how much i desire that. instead of, for so long, being told to want a man full of integrity, i now understand the beauty of that quality.

the Lord allows grace and love to be poured fourth in the shittiest and silliest of situations and i truly appreciate that, not just appreciate that but i am humbled and in awe of that. love is the base of everything. therefore i need to put away my judging, snobbish attitude, quit being an ass and just really live that love. i am just as worse off as any other. take the love, allow it to wash over you and pour on out of you. amen and amen.

you lost 20 points. then i lost 20 points. then you gained 30 points (because the lose of the first 20 wasn't necessarily the fairest). so now you're just 30 points ahead. sorry & congrats.

lonely bedroom

my bedroom is fairly lonely today. and will be for the next week or so. cait is gone, in michigan, actually quite sick. it kills me to not be there, even if i just have to sit there and wait. i wish she weren't in a different state while she's sick.

today was filled with 700 emotions, i'm not even sure what they were or why they occurred. all i can recall is that there were many different feelings: a lot being deep heart aching feelings - some good, some bad, mostly resulting from music.

josé gonzález is playing my heart chords right now. figuratively, and literally. i want to be laying out on someones porch, or curled up in a hammock or what have you [with plenty of blankets], listening to the rain, listening to josé, enjoying life. being a part of that moment. of love. really.

yet. here i am in my yellow room, and by yellow i really mean it was supposed to be more sand dune colored.

dear cait. please get better. i miss you. come back to our room of love. love, kam.

ps. kirst won't be sharing my bed with me this summer - bummerwave eh? i miss sharing a bed.

today was mom's birthday. she'd be 59. crazy. eh?

this weekend consisted of a lot of relationship counseling. some free avett brothers. old friends. new friends. two awkward interactions with men. one was a better awkward which left still being strangers. the second was bad awkward and i think that he was stoned.

can't stop listening to: frightened rabbit. and horse feathers.

cait's leaving tomorrow. whatever will i do all by myself for a week?

love love.

Listen! My love is approaching.

...

bike rides & porches & hammocks & adventures. all to come.

just listened to my mom's voice. can't hold it together.

3 years now i have been alone.

7 years i have been abandoned.

and still i am told, wait.


i will.
but please let this desert meet some rains that it may be a flourishing land.

soon, i beg, dear Father, soon?

dumb self.

today i filled out the written portion of my application to watkins. what that really means is that i filled out the portion that is "paperwork." name, dob, ssn, etc etc. 

i have yet to write the essays and create my portfolio. i know. i'm a little behind. however. this just in: i'm gonna get it done & i'm gonna get it in on time. just you wait and see. 

its funny to me how sin captures my flesh and drags the rest of my body and soul in. pause. rewind. lets be honest. sometimes i go willingly. there is no dragging involved. there is luring yes. but dragging. not so much. and as the sin spreads further and further apart and months widen the spaces between each fall, the falls become less "horrible." i suppose thats the right term.  as society becomes more welcoming of sin, the church as well, and people i've respected say one things okay which has never been okay. i'm left confused.  and as those sins arise, and i fall, i have less of a guilt complex. rather. it takes longer for that complex to set in and be reality. 

its a scary thing to me how i am so quick to condemn the israelites sometimes for falling back into sin and not feeling bad til later, and then i realize that i do just the same. sometimes worse, sometimes less. but its no different. when i'm throwing up a peace sign to the Lord in the form of the bird i'm doing the exact same thing.  "peace. i don't want to listen." sometimes i say "peace. this isn't wrong. i think we both know that." 

incidentally when i'm confused on the "right-ness" or "wrong-ness" of a matter, if its wrong my conscious will seek me out. every time with out fail. even if it takes a few hours, minutes, days. it will. thats the beauty of the insides of ourselves. the invisible insides. holla.

so to you dear Father. i am sorry. cleanse me. wash me. give me strength to flip the bird to the temptation and make the right decisions. forgive me for my failure, for putting you at the cost of my meaningless, momentary pleasures. i love you, i do. but sometimes, i fail. a lot, i fail. and like the israelites i believe that you will open your arms wide. you will be faithful to me, even though i am so undeserving. forgive me. show me what is evil. make me hate it in me. 

casey hates mice and cockroaches. so much so there is a someone-is-murdering-me-type scream involved. everytime. she lives next to the kitchen, therefore, she gets the brunt of the rodent sized beetles, and - yes in fact - rodents themselves.

went to marion. bought a painting. thank you christopher boyer.

colby bought chris' bike. alas! i got a bike.
hello kool lemon colored super sport schwinn.

it needs two new tires. thats it.

holla.


i want to build. i want to create. so that is what i am doing. i designed a pretty kick ass house. lets be honest. it is.

so in my future. there is: a lot of desiging, creating and art directing involved. yay.

and hopefully love.

and a lot of good bike rides. nights, days, weekends, etc etc.

love.

ps: can't wait for kirst to come live in my room and el to live down the streeeeet. yay summer! its ALMOST here!

music.

blind pilot. what beauties. played a way more upbeat show than i had expected. definitely fun, definitely fresh. definitely worth while. could have watched them and their awkwardness all night. (http://www.blindpilotmusic.com)



langhorne slim. i love him. lets be honest. he stole my heart, although this photo isn't doing him justice... considering that his dirty mustache that he currently has is part of what stole my heart. cait and i came up with a combination of who he is... ready? johnny cash, jack black, jessey mook, and christian. (http://www.myspace.com/langhorneslim)

springing nash. spring mix. check it out. its wonderful. some old. a lot new.

sand dunes & blind pilot

our room is sand dune. by sand dune i really meant that a banana slipped and fell into the sand dune and exploded everywhere. but its still got the base of sand dune.

kirst is moving here soon! el is coming back, finally.

i love beard man. i admit. i mean as much as you can love someone you don't know. whatever.

all this to say. i'm tired.

blind pilot show tonight. praise.

new beginnings. sorta.

here are the new things:

cait and i are painting our drab walls. perhaps a warm earthy yellow.

we are making new curtains for our room so that we can actually have a dark room (thank you parking lot light that shines in our windows)

i'm buying one of chris boyer's paintings that will hang in our room. its beautiful. i'm in love with it.

i'm looking at some beach cruisers to bum around town in.

i'm less hungry these days, which is good because weight off is necessary.

yoga hasn't been the biggest of hits, its just so early, i'll try again this week.

that is all.
love.

ideas....

mixity.

a little bit of excitement for art work. a bit of inspiration. new forms, new ideas. geometrical. surprising? Not entirely. I mean. it makes some sense. to me at least. Still organic forms. but how do i interact the organic and the geometric? How do i interact the human form with geometric, scientific shapes and patterns?

i have a small idea of what it might look like, at least a small clue as to which direction i am going. rather to explore.

my eyes are tired. very tired. el was in town last night and today, i subsequently got roped into working the front at rocketown. granted i offered my help, but the original idea was to pick el up and leave for a little bit in order to go to sleep early and get up for yoga in the am. ran into sammy. sat out back and talked about patterns of my life with richard.

talked with my dad for a little bit. scratch that, emailed my dad for a few questions to be answered. they got answered. i now have a better idea of what classes i need to start taking in order to get into that realm of art director/creative director. unfortunately for me, it is a lot of technical things. however that is going to give me the accreditation that i need in order to have the more creative job that i desire.

side note. i'm really confused. and by confused i mean, i don't get some things about myself. i think i am okay with that however, i'm not sure if i should be okay with it.

side note.2. beard man keeps appearing in my dreams, its just a very weird situation. not sure whats with that, but its happening.

also: listen to Laura Marling. its a good time. her voice is beautiful & music is good.

Namaste

first yoga class. first hot yoga class. in one.
amazing.

the beginning of a new journey of wellness and health.

normal yoga is tomorrow at 6am.

in other news:
can't wait for friends to come tomorrow.
also. i feel like i broke up with my best friend. how terrible. i guess it was just me that needed to say it, but its been a while since its been underway.
so theres that. beard man has been in my dreams. awesome. awesome in a good and bad way.

also. coldplay. roadtrip please.
k thanks.
love.

Today was the first time i've ever purchased perfume for myself.Also.

no matter how hard i try, or when i have NO idea. I still choose the most expensive, excessive, famous, elaborate, etc etc. for example: blind fold me, fill a room with hand bags, only put one expensive one in there. mix it up. hide it. blind folded, i will pick it. i have expensive taste, its not a choice, its not my fault. unfortunately i always choose the most ridiculous things without realizing they're ridiculous.

love.

new news.

1. there is a %95.9 likelyhood that Kirst will be spending the summer sharing the back room with cait and i. in nashville. that's right. kirst is gonna be hitting up the great nash.

2. i'm going to take a semi vacation to mv's house while they're in san francisco. i'm already relaxed and i haven't even slept there yet.

3. my car is still acting up and i want nothing to do with it anymore - just a volvo please. k thanks.

4. i have been making some new art. ready?
this is lily. she is colby's birthday present.
5. i am very highly thinking about taking classes in the fall at watkins. hello art school. part time? yes please. fine arts. holla.

last night i caught sight of a little piece of art on the little wall next to the register in fido.
it looked oddly familiar. its always the same girl that has her work that, that the employees put there. i kept looking at it, staring. hm. what? she totally stole my idea! she must have found a piece of art that i had made for brandon and copied it. i looked closer. that looks just like my handwriting. i kept staring.
i saw my signature. it was my art.
what a wonderful special moment.

i still am not sure if i believe romantic love exists for me.

also. exploring the options of taking some classes this next year. we will see.

i so badly wanted today to be something glorious. to at least have the feeling of a new beginning, a fresh start.

but today it seemed like the cards were stacked against me. failed test, broken car, payments, bills, etc etc. i was so disappointed, so frustrated.

i need help. i need that new beginning that's been a promise. i don't need to leave nashville, i just need a door closed and a new one opened.

la.

it comes and goes

its funny to see how passions come and go. drive shifts from one thing to another. not ever saying that you love that last thing less, however, it just shifts, to something, new, exciting, maybe just more real to you.

for so many years i was determined and convinced that i was going to asia. i was going to live there, thrive there, spend a portion of my life there. i could feel it in my bones, i knew my future. it was the forefront of my mind. i had no intention of being a missionary, i don't believe i'm called to that. rather, work my job, make my art and love people: open up my home to people who need a haven. working hard, my husband and i, to fight injustice, to create beauty and hope where both seemed to have turned to calamity, disaster and brutality. i could see my future every day i lived.

and then i forgot.

i became consumed with the place i was in - however healing it was that i took that time, i want to be involved again. living a life more meaningful than just going to work, and enjoying my weekends.

i was designed to create art where there seems to be no sight of hope. i don't know what that looks like. i think it would be incredible to work in an organization, making art for them - doing the artistic side of things, being a personal assistant to the head of design somewhere or another.
who knows. but what i do know is that (the lady behind me has the majority of her computer desktop covered with documents, files, and various softwares... packrat?) anything concerning japan catches my attention: japan, china, vietnam, nepal, thailand, etc etc. i want to go. really i do.

other destinations that are at the top: france. norway. italy. greece.

moment of honesty: usually when i read a newspaper i go to the international sections and read them first, then the crosswords [for suntimes, the "love is..."] then the US news.

so. we will see. love.

currently listening to: joseph arthur.

a few things i haven't been able to get off my mind:
coldplay's viva la vida
ra ra riot
king's of leon's only by night.

my black berry is no more. well i still have it, but it is no longer in use. new phone. which is dumb. however, it is going to be 30 bucks cheaper every month, which is kinda needed right now.

i kinda feel like there isn't much support for the recycling that's going on. true, it seems dumb to be frustrated about, but its real simple. [cardboard, paper, glass, plastics.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjJqEzS4PkE&feature=related - coldplay at 09 grammys.

i'm sitting at fido. after a long evening of being sick. now i'm drinking sprite to ease the tummy. 

watched the grammy's last night.  thom york was incredible as always. i'm waiting for teh coldplay/jay-z video to load so i can see that one too. 

its beautiful outside, and love is in the air. just not in the air i breathe.  max told me that i just need a dude to put me in my place: tell me what to do, be just as much of a smart ass, etc etc.  i replied with "well i just don't think its gonna happen max. lets be honest, most men i've met in nash is either as ass, too short or is soft spoken.  all things that just don't fall into the category of what i need." 

so i am waiting. patiently. trying to focus on what i need, who i am created to be.  we'll wait and see. and wait some more. and when someone can smart ass me back, put me in my place, be stronger than me, then yes. i am waiting for you. come soon. k thanks. 

also. death cab in may. holla. also. thinking about a new job. holla. 

i don't drink enough water. lets be honest.

its ridiculously cold outside. i couldn't get out of bed this morning because our house gets so so cold, at least my room does.

good to catch up with kent last night. its been way too long, and really way too long since i've been involved with the people at rocket.

beard man is still a mystery. what's more mysterious to me is why there are always these random men that i see everywhere and are pretty shady (shady in the mysterious way).

art work is moving along. ish. finishing the painting for kelly, lacey and stephs house tonight.

i've got nothing more to say. except homemade granola and pomegranate green tea are the shit.

i eat cottage cheese almost every day, at at least two meals. when i was 2 it was the best thing ever. we ate it at our cottage in southern indiana. then i went back to the city and hated it until Cha convinced me that it is the best thing ever (at which point she was convincing herself of that too). Now there are 3 adult women and one baby girl in the house who eat cottage cheese everyday. if only i could keep track of how much we go through a week. i'll try to keep a tally next week. Matt hates that we love it.

in the past few months i have become very selfish. not realizing what it is to truly love. by that i mean it is not the ability to love, but the ability to love at all times. not just when i am happy [and feeling loved] but when i am frustrated and don't want anything to do with anyone. i am a recluse. i've stated this over and over. but when i am in my selfish-flesh state i blame being short and cold on being a recluse. i enjoy being by myself. i enjoy going places alone.

i have forgotten how much i love people.

therefore, i will try to remember what i've forgotten. beg the Lord for the strength to put myself out of the way to love others best. to the people i have been selfish towards, i am sorry.

i have a lot to say.

shifting to the otherside of love. romantic love.
i believe it is possible to love at first sight - or see the potential of love. to love someones demeanor. don't you? i have fallen in love with countless men due to their demeanor's, the way about them, the way they move their body, the way they interact, the way they sit alone in a room, the way they read, etc etc. which is why, my friends, i have issues. so i am going to try to assume friendship, realize that men cannot reach my expectations if they don't even know about it. it is hard to stay content. to be here, be all grown up, but still be so so young, that is a pressure that is beyond frustrating and doesn't do much more than get me down or get me motivated. the inbetween usually ends up being a drink in a bar, some darts, a walk around town, front porches, fido, the places i can step away and rest, realize that i am a little girl. in need of love? yes. but i am beholding everything i could ever want. the key is to realize that everything i already have is what will keep me satisified for the rest of my life.

i still have dreams about my mom. it is weird. it is good because i feel like God communicates to me through her, and maybe, just maybe she is communicating to me too. i thought about calling her the other day to ask her a question, and then i realized that she is not real. there is no possible way to do that. it was about the time that everyone wanted to call their mom to ask how to cook a certain food. and that was my natural thought, but its not possible. i'm satisified with the dreams.

last thing:
i feel the spring coming. the new life. the new beginning after seven years. seven long years. and i feel the the changes coming, good ones. i feel art picking up [moving faster, getting better, the passion, enthusiasm, energy, and the ability to relax, breathe and rest in it], communication growing, love overflowing, and growth, lots and lots of flourishing growth. its coming, and i'm waiting for it. ready to embrace it at full speed and run along side it.

i still love nashville. forevermore.

love.

cath

i made a monster today. a beautiful monster that will reside in my bed (forevermore).

his name is yet to come. it might be ben, benjamin. not sure. there are other names at hand. he's wonderful. i'm just waiting for the name to be for sure.

nashville is my home now. i can't imagine life away from here. i love the people. i love the places. i can't help but see my life here. that's what i want.

i am hurt. i am tired. i am on the floor and i can't keep going on alone. i keep pleading for someone to come and help me through. music provides me with hope, however, reality seems to be displacing that hope. looking at the hope, reality smashes it's possibility, it's truths. i find myself weak and tired. sick of going through the ringer again. over and over, i don't think i can do it anymore. i can't anymore. i'm holding out for completion, redemption, grace and hope. come quickly.

7 is the number of completion: when there is completion there is a new beginning. that new beginning is coming. about 6 more weeks until the 7 years is complete, and i am begging that there be a new beginning.

we're in a new house. apartment rather. it's hard. my room has become my haven. but more than that peoples homes (within the walls of houses) have become places of safety for me.

i am listening to emiliana torrini. i like it. my eyes keep searching this place, every face, every set of hands, every pair eyes.