art is back.

its been absent for awhile, or i have been absent.
i have goals to make, then accomplish, and a life to push towards and live in that i love, that i want, and that i believe i am, and am becoming. so, here's what i got for not shooting for myself in 5 months. don't hate.
one:


two:

love, kam

things have been hard here.

hard, yet beautiful.

camps are great. i love the kids.

tonight = learning more skating.

thats about it.

things here are wonderful and hard and different and beautiful... and I wouldn't change them for the world.

I'm at a tough spot in my life because I am in a place that I love so dearly and yet, I cannot settle down and really dig deep roots. I call this place home. It feels that way to me, and I love it. I can't imagine my life without this place, without being who I am here. I feel more real than ever. I feel more true and honest and loving than when I am other places. I love the friends I have made here. I love spending each day laughing with Danny, Josh, Kyle and a multitude of kids running around.

I love well here. Which makes things difficult - I have left work with tears in my eyes many many times, but it is because i am loving deeply here. I feel more full here. I feel like I am more of who I am here, than I have ever been before.

I need to fall on my face and cry out to my Father everything I am feeling and struggling through. This week was heavy and I need the arms of my Father more present than ever.

dudes v necks

american apparel dudes v necks are my favorite.

so are the cliffs.

mananannananananananaña

Summer Sessions/Photo Classes start tomorrow.... a little nervous and a rather large bit excited.

Here is one of the photos by Tamara Reynolds:



love love.

Johnny Cash

The lady that I modeled for today has photographed Johnny Cash before.

incredible.

lonestar

Lonestar, the country band, played Rocketown today... Definitely out of the ordinary, but still, they played, for the Fan Fair.

Cody, one of the singers parked his truck so that my car was boxed in.... They told me to ask him to move it and I replied "I don't know who that even is." I'm guessing he's the one with overly highlighted hair that is "windblown" and feathered.

interesting.

anarchism and cell phones

anarchism here is rather amusing. the kids who pose as anarchists hate people who wear nice clothes because they must not "get it." They often hate those with nice or expensive things, however these kids have cell phones, drive nice cars and complain about their lives, but they're pampered and dress grunge and brag about not showering for days and days on end. However, a real anarchist would probably really enjoy a shower and probably wouldn't have a cell phone or drive a really nice car.

so i laugh. daily. and i take it in and enjoy the conversations that it spurs and how people laugh about it who actually do get it, not just the fake it, but the real it, the anarchist it.

Monet to Dali

Caitlin is here.

We are adjusting to one another, but thus far, I love her being here. Our apartment is a home now. Even though I have to make sure that if someone knocks on the door I'm prepared to let them know that I am Mark's girlfriend and he is at work right now.

Speaking of Mark... he's letting us use his ultra comfy futon for the summer! We're picking it up tomorrow, along with a free coffee table (possibly a tv stand too), and a couch for about $15. Our friend Ben is letting us use his truck in exchange for a homemade meal at the house. Sleepover season is at hand.

As time goes on I am becoming more and more comfortable with who I am and who I am becoming. I have never felt as much myself as I do here, nor have I ever felt as at home so quickly in a different place than I do here.

I was telling Kent [my boss] of how I feel so blessed here. I feel like everyone has willingly and graciously accepted me and loved me. They treat me like I have been there for months, and I have to admit, I have found great friends. Friends that take me to new places, and discover with me the places that have become cobwebs in their minds, only because I've never been there before. They've taken me on last summer's adventures and told me how they look forward so much so to these adventures this summer. They've made way for visits to Waffle houses at odd hours, to the Frist, to The End, Dragon Park (where I revisited my fear of heights), and drives that require only music and no conversation. I have truly found great friends, I could not ask for anything better.

Today we went to the Frist. The Frist is the art museum in downtown Nashville. Joey's dad is the curator. The exhibit Monet to Dali there (and will be leaving the first). So in the last hour of open doors we explored a little - it was free college student day, Praise the Lord (Cait and I are both... well not real wealthy). Meandering around I knew I would find something that would make me stand in my tracks, almost bring me to tears, an overwhelming emotion that I am never really sure what to do with. I stood in front of a Van Gogh - the Poplar Trees. It was beautifully crafted and elegant and careless, yet filled with every bit of attention Vincent could have given it. And in That moment I wondered why I haven't pursued painting. In the very next moment I was empowered to do everything I ever wanted to do. Pursue my dreams. Be that girl and lady and woman of courage and dignity, originality, individuality, and filled with love and grace, saved and loving others that I want to be. I realized that I can be a photographer. I can be anything I want. I can go to grad school for something other than photography, who cares. At the same time, I can do what I want, what I feel like God is calling me to do. What I feel like I've been created to do. I love it. I love life. I love life here, in Nashville.

I can't wait to see how you all have changed and how you all are learning, because I am excited for you to see who I am becoming.

i love you.

Wake Up.

i lied. Chase is 9.
Fido has become one of my favorite places to be alone, yet be surrounded by people. It took probably 15-20 minutes to get here, maybe less, but gas is expensive so, until I make bank I should probably cut down.

This past weekends shows were slow, nothing too exciting, until Happy Box played. The Ballad of Life is their newest song. It was written [if I am remembering correctly] and the recorded in celebration of Summer.

In the past week I have tried to make my time and energy meaningful. Part of that is putting into practice the idea that Mark, Ellie and I discussed of thinking positively: dwelling on the good. Living life so that if I've woken up that morning, it's already a good day. Thus far, my days have been ten thousand times better. I am enjoying work more, the people there more (whom I am growing to love). The Lord has given me strength to work a show at Rocketown after working at starbucks for the day and still have plenty of energy to go out afterwards.

I am currently learning how to skateboard. Caitlin is coming tonight. Last night I went to a friend's house for Memorial Day festivities. It was one of the more fun things that I have done since being here. I felt at ease and just hanging out and having a good time. I fell asleep in Indiana Jones (it wasn't really that good.... sorry Indy).

This week I met a Scottish man, a man and woman from New Zealand and a photographer from LA who is going to let me come and observe him for a day.

Things are wonderful here in Nashville.

6th Ave

This is Chase: He is 7 [or so they say]. His ability to skate is incredible. He schooled all the other kids in the park when he was there.

This is Worm: He does BMX. Last week the chain on his bike broke, however, he still rode it and did tricks and bettered his abilities.

This is the first time I've touched my camera in a month. So, thus starts the documentation of the kids at Rocketown/6th Ave Skate Park.

be something better

I declared today to be one that I explore the city. That I figure out how to get to more places than one and I have successfully landed myself in Fido's. This is a brilliant place to know considering that I have every intention of spending large amounts of time here. The area is more fun, upbeat, younger, etc. I like it here.

The artwork on the walls here is making me more excited to get my camera back in my hands and fill up my damn sketchbook [downsizing from a large pad to a small moleskin sketchbook where I will not only fill the pages with drawings but also with pieces of the summer.

While battling the loneliness, this past week was difficult and yet I am feeling more at home here. Prom was interesting... fun because it was spent with Richard, Ellie and Joey, but not fun because it was prom. The work we put into it was insane, but I loved every minute of it, even if there were nights I was overwhelmed with everything, and then that on top.

I met a girl named Leigh. She is strong and smart. An overachiever, an overcomer. She is a girl who has learned how to be her own person, as much as you can at 16, and yet take the knocks of life and go on. She was open enough with me to let me ask her questions and just learn more about her. She was completely open to my questions and was happy that she could share them with me. We talked for at least an hour and left the evening by exchanging numbers and telling her that I live near her school and would love to get lunch with her sometime.

Last night Ellie, Mark and I sat around cups of ice cream at Coldstone and talked about life. about addictions, hurts and pains, our dads. It was good to see Mark in a different element than I am used to - to be able to talk with him in a smaller setting and get to know him for who he is. I have begun the hazing process with him, which is hilarious to me. As people become more comfortable around him and vis versa his way of showing affection is by "beating up" on them, which to me is a reminder of the days when my brothers and I would fight in the parlor of our house.

Hugs have become one of my favorite things. The amount of physical contact received at school compared to the amount received here is much less. Therefore they have become something of comfort; prized, desired, and appreciated.

I am praying that I am able to transfer to the store literally one mile from my house... With gas prices as they are. It is too ridiculous to be driving from Old Hickory/Edmundson to Cool springs to down town most days.

The goal and desire is to be something better than I am today. To seek after the Lord and to choose to make the best out of everything and be the best I can be.

radiohead? really?

today is the Radiohead show in Atlanta - only four hours away. Tim is attending with his entire posse. Melanie has two extra tickets and invited El and I, however, they both have to work today, so I am listening to them instead. I will take a long nap, wake and clean, figure out how to get to the bank, if there is a bank, head to Rocketown for a bbq, possibly a movie, and that will be the events of the day, unless if they turn out to be crazier than that.

Work has been hard. Starbucks is a place that I really loved working [for two long years] but I had hoped I would never work there again. Not that I dislike it, but I had hoped my time would be done. I had hoped that I would find a job elsewhere and be able to work there and love it and enjoy it for a time - make more money perhaps. I am waiting for that opportunity. I want Rocketown to be my main focus, but like Ellie said "Starbucks is your job" Rocketown is not my official job until June (oh Lord, bring June quickly). I am hoping and dreaming that Rocketown finds an opening where I can work full time for the summer, but I can't place anything in that, it'd just be nice. So until then I am becoming my own coach and talking to myself preping my mind and heart for work, daily, hourly, even minutely sometimes.

I know that this, Nashville/Rocketown, is where I am supposed to be. It is going to be hard, but I am asking the Lord for an abundance of grace and supernatural energy and strength to get through the days to come.

Last night was the first night of soccer for the summer - unfortunately I haven't played in years, so I am going to have to brush up on my skills and play so that I can play on Wednesday nights. Kids from the Y came [refugees, I was told], a few skate kids, kids who don't like going home, or can't, Kent and Ben, who were hilarious to watch play, but definitely both good, and a few soccer girls. Overall, soccer games are going to be intense and good. Ben said Ellie was so intense last year that she ripped off a guys toenail in route of the game - I'm sure there are many many more stories that will be so good to hear about Ellie and years prior.

I got my first piece of mail yesterday, but Mark still has it, so... until I receive that mail I will not be on the internet as often as I would like, and when I do, I will get a library card!

Nights are lonely here. I don't want to feel like Ellie's shadow, I want to build her and encourage her and love her, but have other people view me as my own person. In time. In time. I just have to keep trusting and waiting and going on and loving and eventually things will pull together even more than they are. I'll be able to get to more places that 4. I am currently in need of getting some things fixed on my car, so when that happens, I am excited for, but I am waiting for one of Ellie's friends. And last but not least I need to get a shift covered next week so I can spend time with my future coworkers.

Unfortunately, this is not as interesting as they will become, but while things are slower, this is what I've got. I'll document more, when there's more to document.

i miss family. i miss friends.
people here are a blessing. i thank God for ellie, for her sharing this place with me, these people. we will see what God has in store.

now however, the 3:45a wake up is catching up with me and I am in serious need of a nap. so. peace.

Here. Nashville, Here.

There are a few things I've learned about Nashville and the South for only being here for four days:

Lesson number one [of the South]: Don't move your vehicle when there is a funeral processional at hand

Lesson #2: Don't speed in Brentwood or Franklin /there are also way too many cops in down town.

Lesson numero tres: Blinkers are apparently unnecessary.

In the past four days we have experienced rain so hard its considered a whiteout, which wich, meeting with Kent a metal show [where we encountered Gracyn for the first of the summer], a broken nose, a few fights, Cafe Coco [con Mark, Richard, and Joey], Sahd (at the Mediterranean restaurant) battle of the bands, Wal-Mart (grocery only), Casey's house, Waffle House, etc, etc.

These are only the beginning of the adventures, and until I have proof of living in Brentwood/Nashville I can't really use the internet that is offered at the public library um 5 steps away from the entrance to my apartment complex. So bare with me until I have a more frequent internet connection. The apartment is great, by the way, Mark however, left a smashed spider on the wall that I am thinking about gracefully packing up for him and his phobia that I share.

Oh, and I start my job at the good old starbucks tomorrow at noon.

update

i'm currently listening to the album Team Boo by Mates of State... I have a feeling that it is going to become detrimental to my summer albums.

i bought a car this morning... so i'm half way to Nashville. I plan on getting it serviced at 7:30am on Monday morning, getting insurance, and getting the title and plates changed over to my name.

[if we stayed until after graduation, i wouldn't have a car yet and i would still be at school with a lot of people i love. its a win lose situation]

home is wonderful. i'll expound more, when i am not so here and there with car business.

and my grocery list before i leave on Wednesday consists of brown rice, shampoo, toothpaste... and i plan on making scones and maybe (hopefully) power bars on tuesday.

i will be more consistent writing when i am not worried about getting there, but am actually there. oh. and my new headphones rock.

Folk the World!

This past weekend I spent in a place that I had never spent more than a rest stop on my way to somewhere else. The rest stop that I took there was not much more than a month ago. Ironically, this place that I stepped foot on for the first time, and now have spent some substantial time there is going to be my place of living for the next four months.

Nashville caught my attention, and one way or another lured me into a deep, uncanny love with it. Ellie and I spent this past weekend there. The purpose being that I find a job and become somewhat familiar with the area. I had anxieties big and small in regards to this place that, I decided in the past two months, is where I will spend this summer. This summer that for some reason that I have yet to know has been so vital that I be there.

I became somewhat intrigued when Ellie came back at the beginning of the semester with all of her stories and insights about this place that I had never been. A place that I wasn't avoiding, but had never had a desire to go. Simply somewhere: somewhere that wasn't on my radar. I shuffled and filed it away until Casey posed the question "Why don't you come to Nashtown Kams?" This too was going to become Casey's home, but much sooner than mine. I filed away and filed away. I decided long before Christmas break even happened that I was going to figure out what I wanted to do this summer. So I searched and searched. I searched Mexico, Europe, California, Hawaii... the places I had wanted to go. Hearing from Casey about how much she loved it and Ellie's deep desires to go back (interjected with visits here and there to a place she so dearly loves), I continued to think. The files were beginning to creep out of their cabinets and walk towards the forefront of my brain. "What's holding me back?" Over and over again, Nashville keep coming into my mind and God made it evident that the only reason I wasn't going was because I would miss my family - the family that had so lovingly taken me in to live with them and be apart of their family not much more than a year ago from now. So thinking and praying Ellie said I should check out Rocketown, Casey told me of photographers that I should try and meet with and I talked it over with the Parents. They said: "It sounds like a great opportunity. If you think you should go, go. keep us updated on if you'll go or not..." So plans came together and I decided that I would live in Nashville for the summer and volunteer at Rocketown, hopefully working with photographers for most of the summer as well.

This past weekend I met some of the kids I'll be spending my summer with. I visited the buildings, the walls [coated in beautiful graffiti]. Heard bits of their stories. Connected with one, in particular, over the cleaning of bathrooms and emptying of trash. An apartment in a better area [safer and convenient], was presented to me for less money per month. Toured around the city, went to events, listened to Great music [Folk The World!], went to a church that I enjoyed, met people I will be working with, made plans for Rocketown's prom (yes, Ellie and I are going), spent time with Casey, at bookstores, etc etc etc. Cut three people's hair [one of whom is a three year old named Tristyn who now has a euro-mullet, and will soon be introduced to a faux hawk], ate Sushi, bought a pair of skinny jeans, had mint water from Publix for the first time, and saw my first ever (and brightest) triple-rainbow.

After asking that the Lord to reveal Himself to me just a week before, I saw the Lord's Hand in everything. He opened doors and is continuing to open doors as I prepare to be in this great little, almost forgotten [by me], town that I now so adore.

I will use this blog to document and record the time that I spend in Nashville, at Rocketown, with these kids, learning from them and loving each person I interact with, by the help of my Father.

I returned home to find that the next day Rocketown offered me a job teaching Photography during most of the month of June.

Codey told me weeks before visiting that "maybe you are supposed to be apart of a community that you do not know yet..." My full purpose there is not yet known, but what I do know is that I am to be an encourager to two important people in my life. I am supposed to share my story and demonstrate the love that my God has first given me.

The last two things I am waiting to be provided - a car (which Mr Maertens is, thankfully, helping me search for) and a job (which I am hoping the starbucks that is one mile from my house will hire me).

I will trust my God in all things.

Jesusland

Jesusland : [filled with misconceptions, disguises, selfish attitudes claiming the name of our selfless God] It's funny to me that several fee off of this country sits a place that is merely real and severely different. Not one individual within is putting on a mask to be something they're not. The masks are laid at the door, next to the invisible mat welcoming the world into its entry way. Here is where people are not condemned for their sins. Here is where Jesus would go to show love, to give love, that they might truly experience love and be free.

A cup of coffee that is oddly addictive, the only conclusion being that crack got added in somewhere in the mix. I sit across from my friend. He is smoking the cigarettes that are condemned. I watch. Admiring the designs the smoke is making, lingering, drifting, here and there, wherever it pleases. The smell is something familiar. I take it in, reminded of old times, and turn my head and continue to observe the regulars. Everyone accepted. The man in a navy shirt tucked into his belted pants ask if we are finished, takes our mugs, clears my friends ashtray with his tattooed forearm. Giving me a story that this man loves the sea [if only for a time when he was eighteen].

These kids love it here. Regulars. Drinking coffee that seemingly has additive Cocaine. The rings of smoke circling around them give me a different picture than the one I see from within Jesusland.

Few here don't smoke or have never smoked. I oddly enough love the smell of smoke. I always found smoking to be a disgusting habit, however, I never hated the smell like most people do. I didn't enjoy it or find it be something attractive until I liked a boy who smoked. Now, for some reason, I find it to be one of the more attractive things. Only certain people can pull it off well though. It's such an interesting process to me. Not about the smoke entering the lungs, rather about the act, the motions of it.

I want to understand things. Some of these people hate the environment, others view this as a great way to minister - to love the people of Mation. I've never been in one place for so long, in one day - in a place I've never spent time before, coming and going so many times in one day. Returning again and again I've been able to see who this diner caters to. Tonight there are kids who hate the Jesusland. Their are also kids who view this as their Jesusland - their way to love people as Jesus did.

I never realized this world that I am so close to.

I often, actually most of the time, take for granted the community that I am in. I never understood how beautiful it is because I am so used to it.

There is a woman who works here every night: Momma, or Hot Momma. Momma has beautiful hands.
"They're old.... with spots..."
"No. I think they are beautiful."
I wonder if anyone ever genuinely tells her how beautiful she is. There's evidence of a lifetime of work in spots, like freckles scattered across her hands. Knobby, bony, but they have a character all their own. A character that compliments her tall, thin body with lengthy hair. She serves all these kids on her own. She knows them by name... coming around
"More coffee Joel?" she often asks. but she has a servant's heart. She seems to thrive off these people. Young and Old. her skin tell sher age but the clothes keep her in a younger picture of herself. What is her real name?
I see a strength in her that I don't see in myself. i have the potential, just not the actual mindset. With a cigarette in hand she rarely sits. The cigarette acts as her resting. serving coffee, taking orders she takes the calm of the smoke and works vigorously with a tender yet hard heart. Loving but never taking shit.

nashville tomorrow. Jesusland has been a great experience.

half dead, half alive.

I left the conversation feeling hurt and attacked. Today I find myself wanting to be compassionate and hope that the feeling from the night before did not actually occur. I recognize that as being the part of me wanting to please a male.

My heart hurt last night, terribly bad. A sick, twisted feeling in my gut pushing my every instinct to go to the bathroom and vomit. That is the result of feeling used, for a time, to fulfill some sort of desire with no connection or care as to who I am. Merely a pawn in his game. There is no part of me that desires to be with this male, no emotion or feelings connected, but his actions are not proving well for the rest of his race.

In my eyes, he is an example of a dying race. He is half alive, half dead. With all of his beautiful qualities, he has yet to know what a man is. He holds every bit of potential to be great - to be a leader - to be a true man, unlike the examples that have hurt me the most.

I am asking nothing of him. I do not want his adoration. I do not want his love. I do not want whatever comfort and stability that he can provide. I have no desire to return any feeling of past, any inkling that I may have once said 'you could be right.' I will, however, call him to a higher standard than he may not be used to. A standard that I believe is right and not asking too much. I will ask him to not fall into the category that I have already classified him under. Unfair? Probably, but his actions have placed him there more than my words.

I trust in his potential. He holds the possibility to overcome and prove my words wrong. He has the chance and strength to take my words in pursuit of being a man. I would love to see him take from the conversation [that we will have] and push towards being great. I can't help but think that, as much as he may take away from it, he will be defensive, trying to cover his tracks. In turn, opening up the opportunity for me to feel hurt, attacked, mistreated, devalued, and wanting to run from males for a while [hopefully there will be men in the near future who will redeem them.... but no one can say], all however, with a sense of peace, knowing that I did as I should.

This situation may seem smaller to most, however if it is not dealt with it, it will hurt and possibly embitter more. Fortunately, my feelings never got to a point where this could hurt emotionally [specifically], but it has hit too close to home, entangling a potentially good friend. I do not want any more girls to feel as she has felt, as it has opened the doors for me to feel.

I have no hate for males, but I am sick of crying because of men devaluing me - men who should care and take every whim to love me. This experience at times, [accidentally or needfully] will bleed into other situations to call for responsibility.

All this to say:

I might just have to be the kicker to start the game. I will, in this situation, take the chance and try to speak truth into someone who seems to be lied to. The revolution starter [that's what I like to think of myself anyway]. I want people to live according to love. I am called to push in people, as well as myself, to love as God has first loved us.

So I ask God that in this coming conversation I speak truth, the words that need to be said. That I do not get nervous and back away from what should be said. That I speak everything in love and kindness, no matter his reception to what I say. I ask deeply for peace and calm.

[I thank God dearly for this person who is potentially a good friend, who is walking with me in this]

rejuvenation.

I haven't been excited about my art work in about a month.
Things have been going going going here and I haven't had the time, nor the energy to put into developing more creative thought. That or I have been in a desert of thought. Thinking about mostly nothing other than finishing the day, finishing the year. I haven't been living every day fully, just living to get it done with, which is certainly no way to live at all. I have allowed myself to become quite passive - caring about so many things but not putting those cares into any of my work.

I have not loved people as I should, and that makes me sad. Not that I have hated people, but I have not poured myself into people, not allowing myself to be used. That, is very unlike me.

I am sick of this desert I am in, but I feel I am reaching some sort of vegetation, lake, river, basin. Something to sustain me. The realization of where I am makes me search harder for to be in the place where I should be. I do not want to be passive any longer. I do not want to be a useless vessel - an empty one, serving no purpose. I want to be filled and travel, doing whatever it is that needs to be done.

The past two weekends I have spent not with Jer and Kirst. It has been very different, but a good different. Spending time with a variety of people allows us to grow in different ways - refreshes us in ways we may have not known we needed refreshing and rejuvenation. Variety in the people we spend time with is good for the soul. I love my friends, I cannot deny that. I miss my brothers. I miss old frendships, but I must be the one to pursue them sometimes. I miss the way things were, when I was young, but I would never change these things for the world. I love things now.

I want to love efficiently. Love the people around me as I am commanded. Love as I am loved. It is a learning process, but I am learning, changing, developing into who I am created to be.

love.