if you exist

dear reader [if you exist],

let me address the fact that it is much more difficult to write in a blog when you are back home and have requirements and expectations for everyday living.

welcome back to nashville!

there are a few monumental things that happened today.

• i didn't oversleep, my car made it to work and i completed a full work day (after staying up far too late atop a long day of traveling.... oops).

• i had to be an adult (of which i encountered people who were actually nice and enjoyed their job, and who did not make me more scared of taking care of loans, bills, etc.).

• and i finished the night with a wonderful game of unpack, reorganize and get so sick of it you watch all the same movies you've already seen and then fall asleep on the couch*

• a bump in the road has happened for the viva mexico trip**

all this to say, i'm exhausted, my bed is made just enough so i can sleep in it, and the warmth in the room is lulling me to sleep. tomorrow's a new day, and the beginning of celebrating the new year [and decade. oh, man, that just came out of no where].

other events planned for tomorrow: letter writing, cleaning, and work. awesome***

love love love.

*my room is not finished.... still

**i got my passport!!!!! yes yes yes. oh thank you, i look like i'm already traveling the world.... i have a feeling this passport is going to see many many places!

***this is half sarcastic half dead serious.

dear john, sorry we're breaking up...

dear extra 30 pounds on my body,

you have plagued my life far too long, therefore, prepare yourself to die. and guess what... you're going to die quickly. no slow painful death, thank you very much. 

so. as soon as i am back in the great nash, you will begin to pack your things and leave me. 

love, kami

love love love

ps. i am really in love with the movie julie & julia

pps. a new thought in my life.... (which is more like an idea that's always been there).... be a tattoo artist? 

ppps. if you haven't seen sherlock holmes yet, you'd better get your ass up and go see it. 

pppps. i love my family... but i am excited to be back in Nashville.

tis so sweet to be home

i am home.

praise the sweet sweet Lord.

i made it safely (although my plane got delayed twice equalling to an hour or so). the ride in the limo from the airport to the house was excruciatingly (i just spelled that correctly on the first try!) long. sheesh.

it has been the biggest blessing to be home. currently, no one is home. Meg is at a doctors appointment, the boys are.... somewhere?... padre is at the office and the madre is at the office as well. so here i am, little annie and i hanging out. there is about 7 inches of snow hanging out on the ground.... and guess what? it's still snowing.

they are family, and i am so thankful that they made this trip possible - %100. i wouldn't be here right now if they hadn't gotten me here, and sheesh, it feels SO good to be loved like that!

this morning i got to spend time with my dear baby kirst, which, let me tell you, was one of the greatest things - it was almost 9 months since i had seen her last and those nine months were TERRIBLE without her. she is beautiful, and inspires me, and yet again, asked me to move to seattle with her. OH the temptation. However, I need to move for me, not for her (as jacquie says). I'll be there one day, but when I am supposed to be there.

the grandparents (kk & big jim) are coming in today. it is my job to a. clean the house before they get here, and b. make sure that i have worked out and showered and look my best when they arrive.

so far, nothings cleaned (i'm in my fifty cent men's denim shirt and leggings).

as for now,

sionara.

the skinny

so.

it's happening.

first. i have begun a biggest loser competition with my roommate, and two of her coworkers (and my friends).

second. i'm going to win.

third. i am going to document the whole process of weight loss and getting healthier [everything] as soon as i get home from chicago (in about 10 days).

the lovely sarah barlow and myself are going to keep the records and start the documentation, for the public, but really for our own benefits and the beauty of a process.

fourth. i am SO excited.

fifth. just you wait. you won't even know what's going to happen to you [or to me, rather].

summer in short shorts? yes please.

mexico very very soon?! cannot wait. cannot wait for leggings and 120 & 35mm film. praise the lord.

here is home

there are plenty of reasons why i steer clear of leaving nashville.

sometimes i feel like if i leave i might either get stuck somewhere else or nashville might disappear while i'm away, and again... i'm stuck. about two weeks before leaving i am thrilled and could not be more ready to go, but when it comes to the final 5 days before going there is anxiety shooting through the roof. its almost unbearable, hence not leaving town.

here is home. i hate leaving it. i've made a home for myself, a place where i love, feel loved and feel that i love best in. to leave is like walking away from one of the greater things that has happened in my life (again, this fear that it'll disappear when i get on that plane arises). atop of that fear, this time, i am leaving to go where there is a lot of wounds [hurt, scars, heartache]. for seven whole days.

i've never been away from nashville more than five days. eesh. i'm scared.

i love my family. i really do. they have taken me in and treated me as their sister and daughter. but it is hard. i get to watch every family member be in love with someone and then drill me as to why there is no one home with me. hurrah! what i've been waiting for all year [please pick up on this sarcasm].

it breaks my heart - every year it is harder to not have someone supporting me while i'm home - someone who loves me [romantically, hello]. someone to rescue me from all the ridiculousness, all the awkward conversations, my dad, my sister, my aunt and uncle, to support me through the pain, and help me to be joyful. although it gets harder some ways, it gets easier too.... i think i'm more used to it than anything. although i'll probably throw up whenever someone kisses another person [yes i am 9 and embarrassed].

i'm scared to see my father. its been two years, or more.

i want to visit my mom's grave. golly. i miss her.

i cannot wait to see meg & the fam. i cannot wait to see kirst.

i really want to drink boboa tea.

i really want to go to the leather thrift store and spend money i don't have.

my heart hurts. my anxiety has kicked in. i'm nervous to fly. i hate being far from home.

another year. another year alone. ok. ready? go. i can do this? yes. i hope so. give me strength.

love love love

goals

i am compiling a list of goals [which will be added to], things that i really want to do in my lifetime. 

ready?

a. explore gunkanjima [status: journalists are now allowed to land on the island!] 

and i can't remember the other goals that i had. so i'll have to edit. awesome.