for now, sayonara.

my heart hurts. no boy. i've deleted that idea from my life for the time being - until further notice.

i have decided for myself that i need to be alone. i am young. i always forget that.

i need to remember that i am about 3-7 years younger than those around me. therefore, i shouldn't be where they are. therefore i don't need to be pushing so far ahead. take my time. take my time.

lately the only thing i want to do is move to seattle. it's killing me being so far from jeff and jax. and what's killing me even more is the reality of my finances. i don't believe i will be able to visit them this year. which, if i start to talk or think about it, i cry. no lies.

i hate being far away. i hate feeling alone... that i have no supporters here. i hate the feeling that i am a terrible artist. there is so much packed inside of me, so many different ideas, so much potential, but i can't bring them to fruition... they're stuck inside and it hurts. the feelings are real. i am a strong believer that emotions are very true, very real, and should never be discarded. (thank you jacquie & my old therapist for teaching me that).

so now. i'm stuck. what do i really want? to make art. to love. i want to sing, to make music, for a time. i haven't admitted that in years. somebody asked me why i don't? i responded "i don't know... i can't play any instrument" when in actually i should have said, "taylor asked me the same thing..."

so maybe music is a new avenue i can dance around in. we'll see. there are some opportunities. the real question is if i have the capability of being good.

for now sayonara.

love.