here is home

there are plenty of reasons why i steer clear of leaving nashville.

sometimes i feel like if i leave i might either get stuck somewhere else or nashville might disappear while i'm away, and again... i'm stuck. about two weeks before leaving i am thrilled and could not be more ready to go, but when it comes to the final 5 days before going there is anxiety shooting through the roof. its almost unbearable, hence not leaving town.

here is home. i hate leaving it. i've made a home for myself, a place where i love, feel loved and feel that i love best in. to leave is like walking away from one of the greater things that has happened in my life (again, this fear that it'll disappear when i get on that plane arises). atop of that fear, this time, i am leaving to go where there is a lot of wounds [hurt, scars, heartache]. for seven whole days.

i've never been away from nashville more than five days. eesh. i'm scared.

i love my family. i really do. they have taken me in and treated me as their sister and daughter. but it is hard. i get to watch every family member be in love with someone and then drill me as to why there is no one home with me. hurrah! what i've been waiting for all year [please pick up on this sarcasm].

it breaks my heart - every year it is harder to not have someone supporting me while i'm home - someone who loves me [romantically, hello]. someone to rescue me from all the ridiculousness, all the awkward conversations, my dad, my sister, my aunt and uncle, to support me through the pain, and help me to be joyful. although it gets harder some ways, it gets easier too.... i think i'm more used to it than anything. although i'll probably throw up whenever someone kisses another person [yes i am 9 and embarrassed].

i'm scared to see my father. its been two years, or more.

i want to visit my mom's grave. golly. i miss her.

i cannot wait to see meg & the fam. i cannot wait to see kirst.

i really want to drink boboa tea.

i really want to go to the leather thrift store and spend money i don't have.

my heart hurts. my anxiety has kicked in. i'm nervous to fly. i hate being far from home.

another year. another year alone. ok. ready? go. i can do this? yes. i hope so. give me strength.

love love love