new & used

it has been decided that i will go back to school for photography. i still have to send in my application, i know, but its almost done and i have quite a few phone calls to make for that.

talked with mark about working for him when cait can't, that's looking positive. also going to be doing some work for NPG.

i used casey's camera before she left. it was good. it felt right. i want to document life. work through things, interact, relate, and take notes of the whole thing. i just had to take a hiatus from it for a while. but i'm thinking i'm ready to be back. when it comes down to it i'm all for traveling and loving people and photographing everything along the way.

jer suggested that i get a pentax k 1000. so when i get a job, and get some money, i'm for it. jer is also going to be updating my website. so prepare yourselves for that. i was planning on giving you a sneak peak, however, its looking as its not going to upload anything. hmm. "internal problem" whatever that means.

great things schmate things.

i believe that i am meant for great things. 

but i feel like those great things aren't happening.  i was told years and years ago that there will be so many great and crazy things that happen to me, that i will do great things with my life. but i feel like nothing great is happening. which is perhaps the biggest bummewave around. verbally and knowledgeably you know you're worth something, but deep inside its a feeling of uselessness.  i am both blessed and cursed with an older mindset. i feel about 5 years older than i am, and if we're being honest, i act about that too. which makes it difficult for working and being in places you don't want to be.  i want to travel and create and love people, but i feel like all i'm doing right now is being stuck with a random job that doesn't make much of an impact on anyone. so how do i remedy that? knock down my pride a whole bunch. 

i don't really know where to start. i mean. i guess the logical places to start would be figuring out something that i really want to do. being able to market something. making art again. because without art there is an expanse of emptiness. which is heart wrenching. 

i hate being the bummerwave. sheesh. 

[velour sport jacket, cut off jeans & chucks. amen]

many things i am learning these days.  

i have vetoed Spokane.  i am not against spokane, but i am going to postpone the trip to when i can combine two trips into one [and have more fun]: spending time with eric & craig, and visiting jeff & jacquie.  jacquie helped with this decision.  "you answer to yourself and to God. and then when you DO go and give and love, it's because you LOVE and want to give and go and do." I had been feeling the pressure and the expectations to be in spokane, but it wasn't making sense. so i am going to buy a $49 ticket that will allow me to be in chicago for a while. it's a much better plan.  i tend to get overwhelmed by people having expectations of me that i didn't necessarily set. you know? its a frustrating situation because what can you do when they're family? what can you do when they've provided so much for you? the realization was that in order to be free, in order to be myself i have to have this idea that i answer to no other person. that way i am not burnt out. that way i am not loving half heartedly.  do what you want, do what you love, you'll love better. 

as for men. i still have no concept of understanding. sheesh. i can't even begin to understand they're opposite behavior.  i can't even muster up even a simple idea of how its so okay to ignore and pretend like i am invisible. because, quite frankly its not. and then to be way into it for a brief second. makes  no sense. makes me a little sick. makes me kinda want to cry and even more so makes me want to be even more independent and be the best i can be, making art and being who i am. so [terrible] positives and negatives. the end.  it's a funny thing since not more than 6 months ago my only friends were dudes. and now, unless if i am into you or know for an absolute fact that you're not into me, i have such a hard time hanging out with you. no offense, it's just how things are these days. i don't understand it, but i get real awkward. 

i miss making art a lot. i haven't been doing it lately.  this possibility of taking care of caya less is presenting possibilities for more artwork in my life.  the absence of creating in my life is taking me further away from my lord. i need space. i need a place where i can leave my paints, leave my fabric, canvas, tools, and whatever else out and have projects here and there, some on pause, some moving full speed ahead. 

rocketown is a no-go [unless some miracle happens]. so i'm hoping and praying that something will open up.  i've emailed a few people. i'm crossing the fingers and shooting up the prayers. 

i'm drinking some mint glory right now. 

bike ride with colby later. praise the lord. kool lemon bike here i come.

[thank you velour sport jacket, cut off jeans & chucks. amen]

thursdays

thursdays are perhaps my favorite day. not definitely, but they're up there on the list.  so let's throw in some a. a. bondy, a book about rats and maybe some other things. oh grey's, hello. having el with me during awkward interactions. caya acting like she's on crack or maybe speed, maybe both. i don't know.  all of these things make for a great thursday.  

....

i believe in the power of honesty. i don't care if you feel "less manly."  honesty [integrity] is not only honorable, but it is attractive.  that feeling of being emasculated is momentary. i promise. i beg for your honesty and truthfulness.  i desire for you to be full of integrity. 

i wish that intentions were stated up front. that if you are intrigued and want to get to know me, you tell me, up front. but i don't really want you fucking around. i don't have time for that. you probably don't either.  let's be honest, i'll be hurt more than you. 

i try to have hope in men. due to past experiences i already have a tainted view of them. they're liars, deceivers, manipulators, self-consumed, self-driven, and they will use you until you are useless to them. that is what they are in my mind. every time i find someone who seems to be full of integrity i expect them to let me down. or i expect the best things from them. i don't just let them be who they are. expectationless. i box, label, package them up and try to ship them off, leaving no room for growth, no room for being the man he can be.  

i have this issue. i'm independent. very independent. i don't want your help. i don't want your money. i'm proud, and i can do it by myself. [and for some reason i expect people to rely on me and be vulnerable. its really not fair] inevitably, i have turned into someone who is comfortable pursuing others. i have always been the one to pursue my brothers, my father, etc etc. and so, i, most times, don't allow people to pursue me. its unfortunate really. i don't understand what that looks like or how it would feel. that's why a fighter is so important, someone who is going to shake me and tell me that i need to cut me shit out and allow him to come in.

i was told by a man that you don't find the person to be with by searching for them. so there. i wipe my hands free of it. my goal is to live my life, to its fullest, loving people continuously. the key is to stay in the correct mindset. be independent, but don't be closed off to people. 

all this to say. there are a lot of things that i need to figure out. a lot of humbling and healing that needs to occur. 

also. i'm trying to get a job back to rocketown. a few days a week. pray pray pray. because that'd be amazing. 

love love.

i don't listen to voicemail, except to delete them. 

i don't like checking my bank account, unless i have lots of money in it. 

i support eating fish, and crustaceans, not so much on the other meats. 

i love organic food, aside from the occasional bug and the murder it does to your pocketbook. 

i like to create everything possible. even though i'm all about having too many projects going at once. 

i'm currently reading a book about rats. its actually really interesting and ellie is about to read a book called the species of the planets and something. i don't know. but then we can be crazy together. 

i kind of enjoy being the crazy person anywhere i go. you know, the girl who might just be off her rocker if you're just observing me. 

i believe most things i hear. i need to work on this... aka. check the credibility of the information i am receiving, because i tend to fight things to the death. 

okay bye. 

the open door & the new year

death cab for cutie played last night [their second night in nashville] at the ryman auditorium. you know, the one where johnny cash, james brown and all the legends played. "sounds great" you think to yourself, well think again. it was incredible. 

literally. 

ra ra riot kicked the evening off with a great set. some poor sound and mixing, but lets be honest, they're fairly new at this "huge auditorium" thing, so i'm gonna give them a break. they just need some time adjusting from exit/in size venues to actual auditoriums. the only complaint i've heard [while still a positive one] is that maybe it'd be way more amazing if their cello and violin were the real deal instead of completely electronic [cool, but not as cool as having actual ones].  the six-man band [two of which are females] have hit it pretty high, considering that death cab had asked them to be on the tour... meaning they've got some respect from the already-respected. 

[rarariot.com]

next up: matt costa. while i was a bit skeptical, he delivered a show that was worth remembering. only knowing two songs [mr. pitiful & magnolia], and hearing some of his music 

here and there, i wasn't entirely sure what to expect. however, his voice and musical talent held the show - the entire auditorium [the sound was set correctly for this one] and, i believe, left quite a few people not only in awe, but eager to hear some more from him. he graced us with the presence of his glasses (and quite a few band-mates) making him to look like a perfect mixture of andrew bird [who will be joining later on in the tour] and friend, mike couse. he ended his set with merely his voice to make the perfect conjunction to he headlining set. 

[mattcosta.com]

and then of course, death cab for cutie. musical geniuses and great performers. no one can argue with ben gibbard's story telling & song writing abilities as well as the entire band's "true to album" and excelling performance. there's not much more to say other than they not only held their own, but performed over the top and raised the bar. not just with the actual set, but with a five-piece encore. and no one was begging them to be over.  they have been a part of my life for the past nine years and it was quite magical and enchanting to see the full band play. and play a glorious set at that. 

ben gibbard took the auditorium by surprise when performing "i will follow you into the dark," solo, acoustic, and without mics. even though this tour is to support their new EP [the open door] they played songs from almost every album they've released. it is indeed a goal of mine to one day be able to be friends with them, because their music has not only influenced me but has spoken deeply to my soul and carried me through many times. perhaps one day i will be able to thank them personally for the art they've created and shared and the art work that they have inspired me to create.  

[deathcabforcutie.com]

a few side notes:  

making some changes in the way i think about things. grey area's aren't necessarily bad, they just mean that there is NO room for assumptions. therefore, don't assume anything until you know for sure. 

i really need to be seeking the Lord. it's difficult when there isn't a set time everyday to do it. 

cha and i have been talking about how to let others in, how to not be defensive, but to be transparent and vulnerable. its rough lately, i've built up a wall that isn't helping anyone. i need help, i just have to get to the place where i can actually ask for it. 

i'm trying to figure out more what i want to do with my life.  art clearly, but right now the desire is : be able to travel and work. travel all over and still work... create art wherever i am. how beautiful is that thought? 

children's book is coming along. it's being worked through, trying to set the foundations of it. its difficult, but once it is done, i believe that it has the potential to be something amazing, even if it just ends up being for me. 

i need to start working with some film, i still love it, i do. i just need to kick myself in the ass and do it. 

ideologies & illusions

music.

-I keep coming back to horse feathers & frightened rabbit. they're just so good. 

-Nathanael Mehrens is an amazing musician. seriously. he's legit and really quite impressive. lets be honest. and we're friends. ish.  i haven't uploaded it to my computer yet, but every night i listen to it. its fantastic. 

movies. can't wait for "where the wild things are" to come out. its going to be amazing. i can feel it in my bones. [ http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3413574425/ ]  i also think it is quite vital that whoever it is that creates these things [spike jones. jump on this.] please create a movie of "the little prince" its one of my very favorites. 

a couple updates: 

 - front man homeboy. the end. 

 - caya started having nightmares. 

 - mikey signed me up for Paste magazine [pastemagazine.com] under the name "kamalama baergen"

 - kirsten isn't living with us. which is sad. 

 - i found 12 snails yesterday and am currently watching a slug crawl across the back window.

 - its tsunami-ing. and monsoon-ing.  hurrah. 

here's another list. These are things that I want in my life.  whatever my "career" [per say] is. 

make art - create, build, sell. 

have a home that is open & hospitable

-"money vase" concept. - open doors to a safe haven for people in need of beauty and hope 

travel. a lot. photograph it. capture what i see, who i interact with, etc. 

help people - the beauty & tragedy of the world.

a shop. co-own/own. maybe a cafe/venue or gallery/art/home store, where we make and sell. [preferably to do this with jax.]

have a flexible job, yet stable. 

have a degree, perhaps a masters. 

pay bills & not live in debt. 

have a studio. [that i don't have to travel far to. maybe just in my backyard]

write & illustrate a children's book. that's amazing. 

one day, to be married. perhaps even a family? 

i am still trying to rearrange & refine my values and ideologies. the things that i [should] desire are standing right in front of me. but the things that are "desirable" are those that enter in and out. passerby's. they don't last, they aren't full of integrity, they aren't faithful or fulfilling. my perspective is changing, slowly, and rather difficultly, but they're definitely being refined. 

love love love. 

ps. praise the lord my car is working thus far. prayers that the money will come in the fix the rest of the car. amen.