ay ay ay.

its been three months since we were in mexico, and boy do i miss it.

emilia has been gone for three months and has one more month to go.

i am in hot pursuit of the perfect house to rent. and sheesh, it is difficult and exhausting and makes me have breakdowns in my car. and i am just trying to trust that the Lord is going to provide us with the perfect house in the perfect area (eastwood/lockeland springs/5 points) at the perfect price - preferably lower than our max. a great front porch, a great kitchen, 2 bedrooms, and some space for a studio. preferably.

oh trust and believe that the Lord will provide.

to me mum

the past two days have been an explosion inside.

mum's birthday hit me differently this year. thought about it a little the day of... my dad sent me a letter that made me weep. april nineteenth was a beautiful day. all in all.

but tuesday, the twentieth... it hit me so strangely. a lovely lovely day, but little things made me miss my mum so much.

i was being a small child - just awkward with a bad attitude. breathe in. breathe out. okay. bad attitude you have to leave.

then a beautiful man played beautiful music. every song about love. ugh. love, i hate and love it. one song hit me, very hard. giant crocodile tears. the song's name, beyond me, but the words hit so true "time don't let me love her any less".

i've been thinking about getting a tattoo that just says i will always love you. it has been stuck in my brain for some time now.

listening to the civil wars. so beautiful - give them a listen. http://www.myspace.com/thecivilwars

no sir

sometimes i forget to breathe. sit, process, & breathe. feel what i'm experiencing instead of being a solid rock, practically emotionless.

my system fails. every time.

try to be strong. show resilience. which, i do. what i forget is that when i'm being "strong and resilient" i put on a cold front. no sir, please don't get close. (and i wonder why i want companionship so badly) they don't understand who i am, where i've been, what i've gone through, am going through and where i'm going... at least that's what i've chosen for them. i've decided in my sometimes closed minded brain that people can't get me and don't want to.

but maybe i've put people in boxes. maybe i've limited their ability to understand and love. and just maybe i've pushed them far away.

so maybe. those few people that i just can't understand why not, are those that i've pushed away - that i've tried to prove something about myself when there's nothing to prove. i've made it about me.

so. there are very few days that i see them for what they are. work, interact, tickets, blah, unimaginative. but those days are vital. almost no one here is pushing and encouraging me to be a better version of who i am, so those unimaginative days save me. they allow me to see, think, and feel. my plan of being the mighty stone wall fails. every time. because at some point the soul deep deep deep inside of me taps so hard that i have to acknowledge it and let it live... they're meant to live in unison.

mind. body. soul.

i'm created to be who i am. at the core. trying to prove anything to anyone is pointless. if people like me, they like me. being so concerned about it just pushes them away.

so boom. i like discovery channel. anything about the ocean. facts. lots of facts. the human body. art. art. art. drawing. ink. every dream has a tone with colour values. i am opinionated, quiet, loud, unruly, completely inappropriate, talk too much, off colour, horrible timing, too sassy, too sarcastic, if you push my buttons i'll get too darty. i also interrupt, its a really bad habit. i try to be compassionate and loving and i really like to help and take care of people. i think i'm really funny.

thats it. i am this.