rejuvenation.

I haven't been excited about my art work in about a month.
Things have been going going going here and I haven't had the time, nor the energy to put into developing more creative thought. That or I have been in a desert of thought. Thinking about mostly nothing other than finishing the day, finishing the year. I haven't been living every day fully, just living to get it done with, which is certainly no way to live at all. I have allowed myself to become quite passive - caring about so many things but not putting those cares into any of my work.

I have not loved people as I should, and that makes me sad. Not that I have hated people, but I have not poured myself into people, not allowing myself to be used. That, is very unlike me.

I am sick of this desert I am in, but I feel I am reaching some sort of vegetation, lake, river, basin. Something to sustain me. The realization of where I am makes me search harder for to be in the place where I should be. I do not want to be passive any longer. I do not want to be a useless vessel - an empty one, serving no purpose. I want to be filled and travel, doing whatever it is that needs to be done.

The past two weekends I have spent not with Jer and Kirst. It has been very different, but a good different. Spending time with a variety of people allows us to grow in different ways - refreshes us in ways we may have not known we needed refreshing and rejuvenation. Variety in the people we spend time with is good for the soul. I love my friends, I cannot deny that. I miss my brothers. I miss old frendships, but I must be the one to pursue them sometimes. I miss the way things were, when I was young, but I would never change these things for the world. I love things now.

I want to love efficiently. Love the people around me as I am commanded. Love as I am loved. It is a learning process, but I am learning, changing, developing into who I am created to be.

love.