4.29

found this from april 29th of this year:

the sad part of growing up is that not everyone does. i don't mean in the lose your child like imagination and fantasy, because i'm on board with staying childlike in your imagination and creativity. this however has to do with personal growth.

we each grow at different rates, deal with various road blocks and struggle through this, that and the next.

but some people just never grew up, never matured, never had to make something for themselves, or maybe just haven't dealt with that really hard situation which happens to be the one that makes the giant light bulb light up and make everything click into place.

its an unfortunate thing to grow up too soon. the girls around me are all so young, so young. a combination of my "too-much" maturity, and media crashing into one horrible, lip glossed "likes", and a lot of non-senseical insecurities.

and then i realize that every person deals with their different struggles, their life changing battle at different times. mine all started when i was 14. and now i realize two things: first that too often my nerves revert me into a protection shell, therefore, if i am acting cold, it's most likely that i am nervous about talking to you (or you're a creep, but im assuming that you are not). second, i've discovered in the last week or so (THIS IS BIG) that whoever it is that i spend my life with (if i am even blessed to marry), i want them to be near my age. i don't want to miss out on my childhood anymore than i already have. i need whoever the love of my life may be, to be someone who can and will act like a child with me, who will push my creativity, my imagination and NEVER NEVER NEVER let the adults make my life about statistics & figures.

The Little Prince:

All grown-ups were children first. (But few remember it).... Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is exhausting for children to have to provide explanations over and over again.

so i hope and pray for someone to share my life with who is mature, yet child like.

none of us grow up at the same rate, but maybe some of us can help the others grow, but maintain child like aspects and virtues.

i think my heart is growing.

this time last year hope was not an aspect of life. it most commonly came up in conversations trying to figure out why hope wasn't apart of my life.

so my heart is finally growing.

and i want to make ridiculous amounts of art work and only go to work once or twice a week. goal? yes.

it has been far too long without a hopeful heart, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

thats all.

ay ay ay.

its been three months since we were in mexico, and boy do i miss it.

emilia has been gone for three months and has one more month to go.

i am in hot pursuit of the perfect house to rent. and sheesh, it is difficult and exhausting and makes me have breakdowns in my car. and i am just trying to trust that the Lord is going to provide us with the perfect house in the perfect area (eastwood/lockeland springs/5 points) at the perfect price - preferably lower than our max. a great front porch, a great kitchen, 2 bedrooms, and some space for a studio. preferably.

oh trust and believe that the Lord will provide.

to me mum

the past two days have been an explosion inside.

mum's birthday hit me differently this year. thought about it a little the day of... my dad sent me a letter that made me weep. april nineteenth was a beautiful day. all in all.

but tuesday, the twentieth... it hit me so strangely. a lovely lovely day, but little things made me miss my mum so much.

i was being a small child - just awkward with a bad attitude. breathe in. breathe out. okay. bad attitude you have to leave.

then a beautiful man played beautiful music. every song about love. ugh. love, i hate and love it. one song hit me, very hard. giant crocodile tears. the song's name, beyond me, but the words hit so true "time don't let me love her any less".

i've been thinking about getting a tattoo that just says i will always love you. it has been stuck in my brain for some time now.

listening to the civil wars. so beautiful - give them a listen. http://www.myspace.com/thecivilwars

no sir

sometimes i forget to breathe. sit, process, & breathe. feel what i'm experiencing instead of being a solid rock, practically emotionless.

my system fails. every time.

try to be strong. show resilience. which, i do. what i forget is that when i'm being "strong and resilient" i put on a cold front. no sir, please don't get close. (and i wonder why i want companionship so badly) they don't understand who i am, where i've been, what i've gone through, am going through and where i'm going... at least that's what i've chosen for them. i've decided in my sometimes closed minded brain that people can't get me and don't want to.

but maybe i've put people in boxes. maybe i've limited their ability to understand and love. and just maybe i've pushed them far away.

so maybe. those few people that i just can't understand why not, are those that i've pushed away - that i've tried to prove something about myself when there's nothing to prove. i've made it about me.

so. there are very few days that i see them for what they are. work, interact, tickets, blah, unimaginative. but those days are vital. almost no one here is pushing and encouraging me to be a better version of who i am, so those unimaginative days save me. they allow me to see, think, and feel. my plan of being the mighty stone wall fails. every time. because at some point the soul deep deep deep inside of me taps so hard that i have to acknowledge it and let it live... they're meant to live in unison.

mind. body. soul.

i'm created to be who i am. at the core. trying to prove anything to anyone is pointless. if people like me, they like me. being so concerned about it just pushes them away.

so boom. i like discovery channel. anything about the ocean. facts. lots of facts. the human body. art. art. art. drawing. ink. every dream has a tone with colour values. i am opinionated, quiet, loud, unruly, completely inappropriate, talk too much, off colour, horrible timing, too sassy, too sarcastic, if you push my buttons i'll get too darty. i also interrupt, its a really bad habit. i try to be compassionate and loving and i really like to help and take care of people. i think i'm really funny.

thats it. i am this.

little promises

family is a tricky thing.

we each do things to abide by the family politics or to cut them out completely.

i make my family where i am. blood is generally thicker than water, but blood isn't always around, and for some of us, blood isn't always an option. so we adapt. we make our own families, and make them last as long as we can. they morph and grow, but there are always seasons - winter. spring. summer. fall.

there will always be winters in family. winters where it's just you. we're alone.

however, there's this little thing called hope. based on knowledge & experience, i know that the sun will rise every morning, and it will also set. we also know that spring comes after the cold hard winter, and at some point, winter will end.

hope is a gift. we're given little promises - we need only to be patient.

-k

ahhhh plants!

so i lived yesterday like i was about to embark on my weekend.... which means that i also had every intention of spending my entire day today gardening.

not so.

so here is what i plan on doing on my weekend, which starts tomorrow:

clockwise: ranunculus, cilantro, ranunculus, spicy basil & rosemary

sweet basil & poppies

contemplating planting some basil in the mason jars...?

all images ©kbaergen

love.

-k

passover & tradition

this morning i read one of my favorite passages: exodus 11 & 12 - the passover:

"On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn—both men and animals—and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD. The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are; and when I see the blood, I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt." ...... "Obey these instructions as a lasting ordinance for you and your descendants. When you enter the land that the LORD will give you as he promised, observe this ceremony. And when your children ask you, 'What does this ceremony mean to you?' then tell them, 'It is the Passover sacrifice to the LORD, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.' "

14:14 " the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

the first five years of my life i lived in skokie: a little melting pot of religions and ethnicities, mostly jewish & israeli, right outside the city limits. there are vivid memories of king david's bakery, menorahs, synagog, unleavened bread, etc.

this is where my deep connection with judaism began.

i grew up very aware that judaism is the start of christianity. to disregard or disrespect the jewish religion was just as much disregarding or disrespecting my own [thank you parents for teaching me this]. my first seder meal captured my heart, my emotions, and somehow dug deep into my soul and connected with it - planted a little seed. then our family trip to israel, where we emerged in tradition, culture, and the history that the old world holds. bam! my heart is hooked. judaism, israel, the middle east... it holds a special place in my heart.

it wasn't until i got older that i realized how wonderful of a religion it is, more so it's importance. every religion or belief has truth at the core, that's the beauty of diversity - that whether i believe everything you believe or not, or vis versa, we can still learn something from each other, find something we agree on.

i love the tradition of judaism, i also love how things like keeping vigil [–noun 1. wakefulness maintained for any reason during the normal hours for sleeping. 2. a watch or a period of watchful attention maintained at night or at other times] are talked about. i love how life is celebrated, and how the solemn qualities of life are kept holy and respected.

so, i am excited for passover. though, i don't celebrate it and hold the tradition of it entirely, i believe that it is important to take note of, to celebrate and to honor. so, i will try my hardest to do so. maybe think about doing so too.

everything green and tegan & sara

sigh. today is the only day that i wish i were in chicago [well, that's a lie, there are a couple of these days, but this one is the most important]. its just that there are certain things that are celebrated and honored in chicago, like no where else. [i.e. the green river, fireworks, utter maddness]

saint patrick. what a great man. so great we have one of my very favorite holidays in honor of him. unfortunately for me, nashville is not to hip on this holiday. which, honestly, makes

NO sense. i mean, he was a saint,

a missionary to the islands. that's why they celebrate him. so the bible belt should be all up on it. common people. i made a quick stop into

kroger today and couldn't find a decoration or even a four-leaf-clover-shaped cookie-cutter.

maybe there just aren't that many irish or scottish. [did you catch that? yes. i said scottish. i'm not leaving them out. they're totally involved in this tradition... get over it]

even though my irish heritage is small [i have to add the scotts on this one, they take up more of my blood], you can see it in my red hair and my love of whiskey.

so, cheers to saint patrick, the irish, the scotts, jameson, cookies, and everything green. and to tegan and sara, because i just can't stop listening to them today.

love. happy st. patrick's day.

creative director

i officially have a title for my job: creative director.

yes please.

a long long long day of work later and we've worked through necessary business and are getting on the same page on everything. its a great process. and i really love the work. while it is mind-bending and can drive you crazy at times, it is so much more exciting, invigorating, and incredibly satisfying to be doing what i love: creating.

so yes, you can now officially call me a creative director. thank you. thank you very much.

business cards coming soon. yep. with that title on it!

k baergen

creative director

mmmm. looks lovely huh?!

i'll photograph them for ya when i get em.

love.

-k.

worms

on rainy days, the worms come out of their deep holes to get some of that good ol' moisture. unfortunately for us, while it's helping them get some air and wiggle around, it makes the air smell like, well, worms.

i don't exactly know what the smell is, and i don't know how to describe it. so the best title for the smell is.... worms. by association, it claims the name - there is a certain scent (to be nice) in the air, after a long rain, and there happens to be worms on the ground... yes. duh. i'm going to call it the smell of worms.

haven't you ever noticed it?

it's gross, and awkward and sticky smelling, maybe even a little gooey.

but

everyone knows, there's nothing like the beautiful, wonderful days that bring spring, it's flowers, rain & thunderstorms, oh! the thunderstorms are magnificent! and there's nothing more beautiful than staying up late listening to the thunder & rain and waking to the world turing from a brownish-grey hue to a beautifully brilliant green.

yes folks,

spring. is. here.

the follow up

a. i am sick. the only reason why i'm writing this tonight is because i am taking my medicine - which is in the form of tea. so its a slow process.

b. mikey & kirsten.

so. i picked them up, took them to the party of a life time. not really. i actually just wanted them to see what it all looked like. see what my friends were like, see what these people were like.

it was so interesting to observe and to interact with the entire situation.

(eesh. this medicine is hot. and gross)

i think what i realized is that a lot of what happens here is so foreign to those who don't live here. make sense? when i moved here, yeah, it was all weird and bizarre, but i knew it was something i liked. something i wanted to be a part of, and something i certainly wanted to invest in.

so maybe that's where you draw the line. there are two reasons why people can be closed to places: a. they don't belong there or b. they're too closed minded and need to be stripped of their insecurities & comforts.

not saying either of these are kirst and mike. more so, they probably don't belong here. there are only a small few who do. and besides it's not like they were totally closed to this.

cough cough cough

ugh. this grossness has got to go.

love

tonight i introduced mike & kirst to the east side boys.

more on this tomorrow.

march

it's march. finally.

february was a rough one, and sheesh, march isn't startin out too hot either. snow/rain/sleet for today. no fun. the ten day forecast is predicting a 60˚ monday. so that'll be nice, it was supposed to be 70˚ on Sunday (according to yesterday's ten day forecast....).

not much to say today.

i'm listening to the girls next to me talk about their medical consumed lives.... and looking for great art.

adios

cleanliness

its 5:14 on a Friday night and i'm staring at this wreck of a room with dread.

yes, i have to clean it. not only do i have to clean it, but it has to get done tonight. without fail.

i've been putting it off for far too long, it's just not right. part of that is because i'd rather spend time with friends than clean my room, and i'd rather work and make money. so with both those 'rather's' fighting against a clean room, i'm now stuck between a rock and a hard place. yes. it has to get done.

why so imperative?

because kirst is coming tonight! so, within the next six hours, i have a goal. accompanied by many mini goals.

a. clean room. (this includes all laundry, folding, sweeping, arranging, etc).

b. clean up kitchen. (dishes, counters, etc).

c. edit a design

d. shower. oh glory.

e. make my hair look nice.

f. get a drink? (yes, this is the one that i'm kinda more excited about than all the others, but it is also the one that is more on the rocks than any other..... figuratively, not literally).

and by the time all these things are done, i will have a perfectly perfectish room.

love, hugs, & kisses

recess

this week was my first week working for & with sarah barlow.

it really is fantastic how much we get done together, however i have come to the sad realization that i have the attention span of a 4 year old. every two hours, on the dot, i lose complete focus and need a change (scenery, ideas, anything). its more like i need recess. if only adult life provided me with a giant swingset and playground to go and let out 15 minutes of stircrazy per two hours..... then again, maybe recess for me is what i'm pursuing.

in which case, being between 2 & 6 years old makes me right on target. and the attention span, we're just going to have to learn a good system for that.

as for everything else in my life...... ay, car problems, always. starting to pay my loan back next month. but, work is, good. both works. however, my room is suffering, and my sleep schedule.

and chachi keeps acting up.

so i guess we all need the sun and warm weather so everyone, including chachi, can have a little recess.

day of the dead

yesterday was the eight year anniversary of my mom's death.

i didn't tell a soul.

does that make me a bad person?

people knew, months prior, i just didn't want to say anything that day.

so today, it has been almost 3,000 days since my mom has walked this earth.

weird to think about, huh?

what's even stranger to think about is how people used to live for hundreds of years. did you hear me? HUNDREDS OF YEARS. i mean people didn't even start having kids until they were 80 (and you have to put it all into perspective.... they probably didn't age like we do today - it was probably stretched out over those hundreds of years). which, by the way, i'm not talking about 200 years, i'm saying more like 600-800 years. you're thinking it, i'm thinking it, so here it is: holy shit.

now that is where its at. seriously. not having kids until you're 80. that gives you 80 years of hanging out and not being responsible for other peoples lives - other than your spouse - if you choose to marry.

i didn't tell anyone because i didn't want to.

last year i did my taxes.

yesterday, i worked. it felt good.

i worked on art.

i saw my dear friend everett thomas play a show (follow him and his adventure on twitter @EverettThomas).

it all felt good.

i didn't feel bad about it.

a lot of it is the fact that people don't know how to handle it. people don't know how to interact with a person who has lost someone so significant in their lives. they use words like "passed" and "lost". lets just be clear - no one who has lost someone that important wants to beat around the bush i take that back, i'm not going to speak for the rest of the world and how they deal with deaths. but i sure don't want to use fluffy words, steering clear of the factual, brutal honesty of the situation.

all this to say. i respect my mother. i love & loved her very much. i wish she could experience my life, and walk through it with me, and most importantly be someone i could rely on. i don't always think about her, i think about her most days, but not every - but i sure as hell will tell you, i wish i could just chat with her. she was an amazing woman, and i only hope that i can try to make her proud. trust me, i sure don't succeed most days. what i can say, is that if my mom can hear me, or see me, i think her and i would have a more compatible understanding of who the Lord Our God is.

isn't it kinda cool to know that the most important person in my life serves the same God i do.

i am so thankful that the Lord has given me dreams of her.

so now. time for work (with sarah - @sarahbarlow ) we're going to work hard and make beautiful art and give people a good project.

amen.

its tuesdee

love [death]

its february.

we're almost half way over with it, however the day of love[death] is the real half way point. which is tomorrow then just fourteen more days and we'll be out of this sickly month.

the second half of this month holds the day that will mark the eight year anniversary of my mom's death.

last february 22 i was certain that there would be fireworks, celebration and a huge change in me. i figured the completion of the seventh year would result in a new beginning, that something miraculous would happen, instantly. the day came and went. i did my taxes. watched the grammy's with friends (which, i'll be honest, i was kinda reluctant to, but i was bored)

nothing happened. not one thing.

last year was the first year that i spent that day alone, with no family. i didn't realize it wasn't going to be the last. now, all of us kids are all over the country. none of us are in the same state, and none of us can afford to just hop on a plane and visit each other.

it's been 8 years and it feels like it's been 20 years. terrible, right? i can barely remember my mom. every once in a while i'll have memories so vivid, but only when i'm looking at a photo or just had a dream about her, and then Poof! its gone. i guess i can only hope that somehow, someway, my memories of her will become more abundant and vivid as time goes on.

no magic, no metamorphous, nothing really fantastical has happened. i've made so many mistakes, and hurt so many people its sickening. but i have friends who, miraculously, love me through it. the most magical was probably going to mexico, but thats a little different. and it hurts when they're gone, but maybe that's the miracle. somehow, my heart has opened up & grown. i've been able to love people, and slowly, i'm allowing them to love me.

love.

k

ps. this is why i can't wait for the sugar skull, and to celebrate dia de los muertos.

Amacueca Bell Tower

from the top of the bell tower of the church of amacueca.

i just couldn't help myself.

should have been asleep an hour ago, but i just couldn't resist editing ONE photo to share with you.

more to come.

love,

-k

walks

so. a little update:

today i am going to walk to work. am i excited? yes. is it freezing out? yes. does this make me a little nervous? you bet. [but that's why there's new music on ze ipod for me to listen to.... and it'll make me love the springtime and my bike that much more]

also. started working at fido (fi hole).

i think it's going to be really good.

also. i want to go to seattle and visit jeff & jax this summer. and i need to start researching a way to take the ferry for the day to Victoria, British Columbia..... for close to zero moneys. so if you know any cheap ways, let. me. know. please?

ps. photos from mexico coming soooooon @ kbaergenart.blogspot.com .... just wait and seeeeeeee. adios. es el tiempo para el trabaja. duh.

love.

ps. photos from mexico coming soooooon @ kbaergenart.blogspot.com .... just wait and seeeeeeee.

sourthern border

ay ay ay.

first let me say that Mexico was unreal. it was better than any of us expected and nothing went wrong (except how many times each of us tripped over stupid shit).

i want everyone to explore and experience mexico the way it should be - surrounded by loving, caring locals who will show you a good time. i wish i could write down everything and let you experience it through my telling, but without being there, most is lost. and... i'm having a little trouble downloading my photos to my computer... never fear, it'll happen, and when we send off the film all our minds are going to be blown.

now that i'm back, the world of the united states is a different place. that is one thing i love about traveling outside of the US - it gives a new perspective, allows a view through different eyes. i'm having a hard time not being annoyed with our society, and even more so individual people. mainly because i spent two weeks being completely, entirely myself. to come back and realize that there are some people i've painted a different image for, or who aren't willing to see me (just as i am), is really difficult and requires a new kind of patience.

as for the mexican society (that i experienced) it is pretty much perfect. the quality of life is incredible (i don't mean how skinny or "healthy", i mean how much they enjoy life). for goodness sake they find beauty in death, decorate their cemeteries and have a day dedicated to the dead (if you can find joy in death, you're way ahead of the rest of us). i didn't see a single obese person while i was there. NOT ONE. granted, not all were in tip-top, at-the-ymca-everyday shape, but fairly healthy, none the less. i would like to connect that to the fact that

1. their food is ten times less processed than ours, they use real ingredients

2. their meet is not hormone-ized.

3. meals are about family and friends and the survival of life, not about engorging yourself with good tasting things. and certainly not about the accessibility & convenience of it.

4. they go on walks!

the people we encountered take joy in everything, i mean everything. colors, fabrics, history, society, etc.

the list goes on and on and on. therefore, just decide to experience it for yourself..... sooner than later.

all this to say. i am back. we walked a lot. we ate a lot. visited a cemetery, climbed a pyramid, climbed a giant waterfall, took a LOT of bus rides, sang, danced, drank and enjoyed every bit of it. especially the part where they couldn't speak english, so we learned spanish.

i'm ready for newness here. i'm ready to feel alive again. so, job-search-2010 is happening. so is learning spanish and learning how to make real mexican food [y pan].

so much love.

so much more to come.

-k

ps. in search of a car to use while mine is out of order.... while i save up the money to get it running, sold & get a new car.

mexico!

heading to mexico tonight.

pray for safety and favor as we (emilia, nathanael, adam & i) travel to and from mexico! Arriba!

january 6 2010

My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers:

Worship:

"And [he] pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west and Hai on the east: and there he builded an alter."

Genesis 12:8

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you. Be careful what you do with the best you have. Whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love gift. Take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. If you hoard a thing for yourself, it will turn into a spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded. God will never let you hold a spiritual thing for yourself, it has to be given back to Him that He may make it a blessing to others.

Bethel is the symbol of communion with God; Ai is the symbol of the world. Abraham pitched his tent between the two. The measure of the worth of our public activity for God is the private profound communion we have with Him. Rush is wrong every time, there is always plenty of time to worship God. Quiet days with God may be a share. We have to pitch our tents where we shall always have quiet times with God, however noisy our times with the world may be.* There are not three stages in spiritual life - worship, waiting and work. Some of us go in jumps like spiritual frogs, we jump from worship to waiting, and from waiting to work. God's idea is that the three should go together. They were always together in the life of Our Lord. He was unhasting and unresting. It is a discipline, we cannot get into it all at once.

*every one of us communicates with Our Lord differently, in different places and different ways. God has created us uniquely and given us gifts and talents. He has placed talent in us (each different) and that talent is part of Him. He places a piece of Himself within us (a little More than the other parts and allows us to be "gifted" in that area).... doesn't it just make more sense that we can communicate better with the Lord when we are working and breathing and taking steps in that area that He has put more of Himself into... that area that He has given us bits of Him that we may be talented in it......?

think about it.

for now, sionara.

a new decade

oh my dear.

it's twenty ten.

little did i know i'd actually see these days [and that they'd be so normal].

let's be honest, who didn't think that it was going to be more like the jetson's and less like 15 years ago with a few more technological breakthroughs....?

all this to say.... thus far, the new year has been full of love, good music, good dancing, and dearest friends.

i've been in this directionless [feeling] lull that i am about ready to come out of.

this year is going to be a good one. so i'll make my goals, let you know about them, and work towards being more me. doing what i love. loving me. loving others.

here, my dear, is the love that is coming your way.

embrace it, and i'll embrace yours.

love.