we're almost half way over with it, however the day of love[death] is the real half way point. which is tomorrow then just fourteen more days and we'll be out of this sickly month.
the second half of this month holds the day that will mark the eight year anniversary of my mom's death.
last february 22 i was certain that there would be fireworks, celebration and a huge change in me. i figured the completion of the seventh year would result in a new beginning, that something miraculous would happen, instantly. the day came and went. i did my taxes. watched the grammy's with friends (which, i'll be honest, i was kinda reluctant to, but i was bored)
nothing happened. not one thing.
last year was the first year that i spent that day alone, with no family. i didn't realize it wasn't going to be the last. now, all of us kids are all over the country. none of us are in the same state, and none of us can afford to just hop on a plane and visit each other.
it's been 8 years and it feels like it's been 20 years. terrible, right? i can barely remember my mom. every once in a while i'll have memories so vivid, but only when i'm looking at a photo or just had a dream about her, and then Poof! its gone. i guess i can only hope that somehow, someway, my memories of her will become more abundant and vivid as time goes on.
no magic, no metamorphous, nothing really fantastical has happened. i've made so many mistakes, and hurt so many people its sickening. but i have friends who, miraculously, love me through it. the most magical was probably going to mexico, but thats a little different. and it hurts when they're gone, but maybe that's the miracle. somehow, my heart has opened up & grown. i've been able to love people, and slowly, i'm allowing them to love me.
love.
k
ps. this is why i can't wait for the sugar skull, and to celebrate dia de los muertos.
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