no sir

sometimes i forget to breathe. sit, process, & breathe. feel what i'm experiencing instead of being a solid rock, practically emotionless.

my system fails. every time.

try to be strong. show resilience. which, i do. what i forget is that when i'm being "strong and resilient" i put on a cold front. no sir, please don't get close. (and i wonder why i want companionship so badly) they don't understand who i am, where i've been, what i've gone through, am going through and where i'm going... at least that's what i've chosen for them. i've decided in my sometimes closed minded brain that people can't get me and don't want to.

but maybe i've put people in boxes. maybe i've limited their ability to understand and love. and just maybe i've pushed them far away.

so maybe. those few people that i just can't understand why not, are those that i've pushed away - that i've tried to prove something about myself when there's nothing to prove. i've made it about me.

so. there are very few days that i see them for what they are. work, interact, tickets, blah, unimaginative. but those days are vital. almost no one here is pushing and encouraging me to be a better version of who i am, so those unimaginative days save me. they allow me to see, think, and feel. my plan of being the mighty stone wall fails. every time. because at some point the soul deep deep deep inside of me taps so hard that i have to acknowledge it and let it live... they're meant to live in unison.

mind. body. soul.

i'm created to be who i am. at the core. trying to prove anything to anyone is pointless. if people like me, they like me. being so concerned about it just pushes them away.

so boom. i like discovery channel. anything about the ocean. facts. lots of facts. the human body. art. art. art. drawing. ink. every dream has a tone with colour values. i am opinionated, quiet, loud, unruly, completely inappropriate, talk too much, off colour, horrible timing, too sassy, too sarcastic, if you push my buttons i'll get too darty. i also interrupt, its a really bad habit. i try to be compassionate and loving and i really like to help and take care of people. i think i'm really funny.

thats it. i am this.