half dead, half alive.

I left the conversation feeling hurt and attacked. Today I find myself wanting to be compassionate and hope that the feeling from the night before did not actually occur. I recognize that as being the part of me wanting to please a male.

My heart hurt last night, terribly bad. A sick, twisted feeling in my gut pushing my every instinct to go to the bathroom and vomit. That is the result of feeling used, for a time, to fulfill some sort of desire with no connection or care as to who I am. Merely a pawn in his game. There is no part of me that desires to be with this male, no emotion or feelings connected, but his actions are not proving well for the rest of his race.

In my eyes, he is an example of a dying race. He is half alive, half dead. With all of his beautiful qualities, he has yet to know what a man is. He holds every bit of potential to be great - to be a leader - to be a true man, unlike the examples that have hurt me the most.

I am asking nothing of him. I do not want his adoration. I do not want his love. I do not want whatever comfort and stability that he can provide. I have no desire to return any feeling of past, any inkling that I may have once said 'you could be right.' I will, however, call him to a higher standard than he may not be used to. A standard that I believe is right and not asking too much. I will ask him to not fall into the category that I have already classified him under. Unfair? Probably, but his actions have placed him there more than my words.

I trust in his potential. He holds the possibility to overcome and prove my words wrong. He has the chance and strength to take my words in pursuit of being a man. I would love to see him take from the conversation [that we will have] and push towards being great. I can't help but think that, as much as he may take away from it, he will be defensive, trying to cover his tracks. In turn, opening up the opportunity for me to feel hurt, attacked, mistreated, devalued, and wanting to run from males for a while [hopefully there will be men in the near future who will redeem them.... but no one can say], all however, with a sense of peace, knowing that I did as I should.

This situation may seem smaller to most, however if it is not dealt with it, it will hurt and possibly embitter more. Fortunately, my feelings never got to a point where this could hurt emotionally [specifically], but it has hit too close to home, entangling a potentially good friend. I do not want any more girls to feel as she has felt, as it has opened the doors for me to feel.

I have no hate for males, but I am sick of crying because of men devaluing me - men who should care and take every whim to love me. This experience at times, [accidentally or needfully] will bleed into other situations to call for responsibility.

All this to say:

I might just have to be the kicker to start the game. I will, in this situation, take the chance and try to speak truth into someone who seems to be lied to. The revolution starter [that's what I like to think of myself anyway]. I want people to live according to love. I am called to push in people, as well as myself, to love as God has first loved us.

So I ask God that in this coming conversation I speak truth, the words that need to be said. That I do not get nervous and back away from what should be said. That I speak everything in love and kindness, no matter his reception to what I say. I ask deeply for peace and calm.

[I thank God dearly for this person who is potentially a good friend, who is walking with me in this]