cleanliness

its 5:14 on a Friday night and i'm staring at this wreck of a room with dread.

yes, i have to clean it. not only do i have to clean it, but it has to get done tonight. without fail.

i've been putting it off for far too long, it's just not right. part of that is because i'd rather spend time with friends than clean my room, and i'd rather work and make money. so with both those 'rather's' fighting against a clean room, i'm now stuck between a rock and a hard place. yes. it has to get done.

why so imperative?

because kirst is coming tonight! so, within the next six hours, i have a goal. accompanied by many mini goals.

a. clean room. (this includes all laundry, folding, sweeping, arranging, etc).

b. clean up kitchen. (dishes, counters, etc).

c. edit a design

d. shower. oh glory.

e. make my hair look nice.

f. get a drink? (yes, this is the one that i'm kinda more excited about than all the others, but it is also the one that is more on the rocks than any other..... figuratively, not literally).

and by the time all these things are done, i will have a perfectly perfectish room.

love, hugs, & kisses

recess

this week was my first week working for & with sarah barlow.

it really is fantastic how much we get done together, however i have come to the sad realization that i have the attention span of a 4 year old. every two hours, on the dot, i lose complete focus and need a change (scenery, ideas, anything). its more like i need recess. if only adult life provided me with a giant swingset and playground to go and let out 15 minutes of stircrazy per two hours..... then again, maybe recess for me is what i'm pursuing.

in which case, being between 2 & 6 years old makes me right on target. and the attention span, we're just going to have to learn a good system for that.

as for everything else in my life...... ay, car problems, always. starting to pay my loan back next month. but, work is, good. both works. however, my room is suffering, and my sleep schedule.

and chachi keeps acting up.

so i guess we all need the sun and warm weather so everyone, including chachi, can have a little recess.

day of the dead

yesterday was the eight year anniversary of my mom's death.

i didn't tell a soul.

does that make me a bad person?

people knew, months prior, i just didn't want to say anything that day.

so today, it has been almost 3,000 days since my mom has walked this earth.

weird to think about, huh?

what's even stranger to think about is how people used to live for hundreds of years. did you hear me? HUNDREDS OF YEARS. i mean people didn't even start having kids until they were 80 (and you have to put it all into perspective.... they probably didn't age like we do today - it was probably stretched out over those hundreds of years). which, by the way, i'm not talking about 200 years, i'm saying more like 600-800 years. you're thinking it, i'm thinking it, so here it is: holy shit.

now that is where its at. seriously. not having kids until you're 80. that gives you 80 years of hanging out and not being responsible for other peoples lives - other than your spouse - if you choose to marry.

i didn't tell anyone because i didn't want to.

last year i did my taxes.

yesterday, i worked. it felt good.

i worked on art.

i saw my dear friend everett thomas play a show (follow him and his adventure on twitter @EverettThomas).

it all felt good.

i didn't feel bad about it.

a lot of it is the fact that people don't know how to handle it. people don't know how to interact with a person who has lost someone so significant in their lives. they use words like "passed" and "lost". lets just be clear - no one who has lost someone that important wants to beat around the bush i take that back, i'm not going to speak for the rest of the world and how they deal with deaths. but i sure don't want to use fluffy words, steering clear of the factual, brutal honesty of the situation.

all this to say. i respect my mother. i love & loved her very much. i wish she could experience my life, and walk through it with me, and most importantly be someone i could rely on. i don't always think about her, i think about her most days, but not every - but i sure as hell will tell you, i wish i could just chat with her. she was an amazing woman, and i only hope that i can try to make her proud. trust me, i sure don't succeed most days. what i can say, is that if my mom can hear me, or see me, i think her and i would have a more compatible understanding of who the Lord Our God is.

isn't it kinda cool to know that the most important person in my life serves the same God i do.

i am so thankful that the Lord has given me dreams of her.

so now. time for work (with sarah - @sarahbarlow ) we're going to work hard and make beautiful art and give people a good project.

amen.

its tuesdee

love [death]

its february.

we're almost half way over with it, however the day of love[death] is the real half way point. which is tomorrow then just fourteen more days and we'll be out of this sickly month.

the second half of this month holds the day that will mark the eight year anniversary of my mom's death.

last february 22 i was certain that there would be fireworks, celebration and a huge change in me. i figured the completion of the seventh year would result in a new beginning, that something miraculous would happen, instantly. the day came and went. i did my taxes. watched the grammy's with friends (which, i'll be honest, i was kinda reluctant to, but i was bored)

nothing happened. not one thing.

last year was the first year that i spent that day alone, with no family. i didn't realize it wasn't going to be the last. now, all of us kids are all over the country. none of us are in the same state, and none of us can afford to just hop on a plane and visit each other.

it's been 8 years and it feels like it's been 20 years. terrible, right? i can barely remember my mom. every once in a while i'll have memories so vivid, but only when i'm looking at a photo or just had a dream about her, and then Poof! its gone. i guess i can only hope that somehow, someway, my memories of her will become more abundant and vivid as time goes on.

no magic, no metamorphous, nothing really fantastical has happened. i've made so many mistakes, and hurt so many people its sickening. but i have friends who, miraculously, love me through it. the most magical was probably going to mexico, but thats a little different. and it hurts when they're gone, but maybe that's the miracle. somehow, my heart has opened up & grown. i've been able to love people, and slowly, i'm allowing them to love me.

love.

k

ps. this is why i can't wait for the sugar skull, and to celebrate dia de los muertos.

Amacueca Bell Tower

from the top of the bell tower of the church of amacueca.

i just couldn't help myself.

should have been asleep an hour ago, but i just couldn't resist editing ONE photo to share with you.

more to come.

love,

-k

walks

so. a little update:

today i am going to walk to work. am i excited? yes. is it freezing out? yes. does this make me a little nervous? you bet. [but that's why there's new music on ze ipod for me to listen to.... and it'll make me love the springtime and my bike that much more]

also. started working at fido (fi hole).

i think it's going to be really good.

also. i want to go to seattle and visit jeff & jax this summer. and i need to start researching a way to take the ferry for the day to Victoria, British Columbia..... for close to zero moneys. so if you know any cheap ways, let. me. know. please?

ps. photos from mexico coming soooooon @ kbaergenart.blogspot.com .... just wait and seeeeeeee. adios. es el tiempo para el trabaja. duh.

love.

ps. photos from mexico coming soooooon @ kbaergenart.blogspot.com .... just wait and seeeeeeee.

sourthern border

ay ay ay.

first let me say that Mexico was unreal. it was better than any of us expected and nothing went wrong (except how many times each of us tripped over stupid shit).

i want everyone to explore and experience mexico the way it should be - surrounded by loving, caring locals who will show you a good time. i wish i could write down everything and let you experience it through my telling, but without being there, most is lost. and... i'm having a little trouble downloading my photos to my computer... never fear, it'll happen, and when we send off the film all our minds are going to be blown.

now that i'm back, the world of the united states is a different place. that is one thing i love about traveling outside of the US - it gives a new perspective, allows a view through different eyes. i'm having a hard time not being annoyed with our society, and even more so individual people. mainly because i spent two weeks being completely, entirely myself. to come back and realize that there are some people i've painted a different image for, or who aren't willing to see me (just as i am), is really difficult and requires a new kind of patience.

as for the mexican society (that i experienced) it is pretty much perfect. the quality of life is incredible (i don't mean how skinny or "healthy", i mean how much they enjoy life). for goodness sake they find beauty in death, decorate their cemeteries and have a day dedicated to the dead (if you can find joy in death, you're way ahead of the rest of us). i didn't see a single obese person while i was there. NOT ONE. granted, not all were in tip-top, at-the-ymca-everyday shape, but fairly healthy, none the less. i would like to connect that to the fact that

1. their food is ten times less processed than ours, they use real ingredients

2. their meet is not hormone-ized.

3. meals are about family and friends and the survival of life, not about engorging yourself with good tasting things. and certainly not about the accessibility & convenience of it.

4. they go on walks!

the people we encountered take joy in everything, i mean everything. colors, fabrics, history, society, etc.

the list goes on and on and on. therefore, just decide to experience it for yourself..... sooner than later.

all this to say. i am back. we walked a lot. we ate a lot. visited a cemetery, climbed a pyramid, climbed a giant waterfall, took a LOT of bus rides, sang, danced, drank and enjoyed every bit of it. especially the part where they couldn't speak english, so we learned spanish.

i'm ready for newness here. i'm ready to feel alive again. so, job-search-2010 is happening. so is learning spanish and learning how to make real mexican food [y pan].

so much love.

so much more to come.

-k

ps. in search of a car to use while mine is out of order.... while i save up the money to get it running, sold & get a new car.