it comes and goes

its funny to see how passions come and go. drive shifts from one thing to another. not ever saying that you love that last thing less, however, it just shifts, to something, new, exciting, maybe just more real to you.

for so many years i was determined and convinced that i was going to asia. i was going to live there, thrive there, spend a portion of my life there. i could feel it in my bones, i knew my future. it was the forefront of my mind. i had no intention of being a missionary, i don't believe i'm called to that. rather, work my job, make my art and love people: open up my home to people who need a haven. working hard, my husband and i, to fight injustice, to create beauty and hope where both seemed to have turned to calamity, disaster and brutality. i could see my future every day i lived.

and then i forgot.

i became consumed with the place i was in - however healing it was that i took that time, i want to be involved again. living a life more meaningful than just going to work, and enjoying my weekends.

i was designed to create art where there seems to be no sight of hope. i don't know what that looks like. i think it would be incredible to work in an organization, making art for them - doing the artistic side of things, being a personal assistant to the head of design somewhere or another.
who knows. but what i do know is that (the lady behind me has the majority of her computer desktop covered with documents, files, and various softwares... packrat?) anything concerning japan catches my attention: japan, china, vietnam, nepal, thailand, etc etc. i want to go. really i do.

other destinations that are at the top: france. norway. italy. greece.

moment of honesty: usually when i read a newspaper i go to the international sections and read them first, then the crosswords [for suntimes, the "love is..."] then the US news.

so. we will see. love.

currently listening to: joseph arthur.

a few things i haven't been able to get off my mind:
coldplay's viva la vida
ra ra riot
king's of leon's only by night.

my black berry is no more. well i still have it, but it is no longer in use. new phone. which is dumb. however, it is going to be 30 bucks cheaper every month, which is kinda needed right now.

i kinda feel like there isn't much support for the recycling that's going on. true, it seems dumb to be frustrated about, but its real simple. [cardboard, paper, glass, plastics.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjJqEzS4PkE&feature=related - coldplay at 09 grammys.

i'm sitting at fido. after a long evening of being sick. now i'm drinking sprite to ease the tummy. 

watched the grammy's last night.  thom york was incredible as always. i'm waiting for teh coldplay/jay-z video to load so i can see that one too. 

its beautiful outside, and love is in the air. just not in the air i breathe.  max told me that i just need a dude to put me in my place: tell me what to do, be just as much of a smart ass, etc etc.  i replied with "well i just don't think its gonna happen max. lets be honest, most men i've met in nash is either as ass, too short or is soft spoken.  all things that just don't fall into the category of what i need." 

so i am waiting. patiently. trying to focus on what i need, who i am created to be.  we'll wait and see. and wait some more. and when someone can smart ass me back, put me in my place, be stronger than me, then yes. i am waiting for you. come soon. k thanks. 

also. death cab in may. holla. also. thinking about a new job. holla. 

i don't drink enough water. lets be honest.

its ridiculously cold outside. i couldn't get out of bed this morning because our house gets so so cold, at least my room does.

good to catch up with kent last night. its been way too long, and really way too long since i've been involved with the people at rocket.

beard man is still a mystery. what's more mysterious to me is why there are always these random men that i see everywhere and are pretty shady (shady in the mysterious way).

art work is moving along. ish. finishing the painting for kelly, lacey and stephs house tonight.

i've got nothing more to say. except homemade granola and pomegranate green tea are the shit.

i eat cottage cheese almost every day, at at least two meals. when i was 2 it was the best thing ever. we ate it at our cottage in southern indiana. then i went back to the city and hated it until Cha convinced me that it is the best thing ever (at which point she was convincing herself of that too). Now there are 3 adult women and one baby girl in the house who eat cottage cheese everyday. if only i could keep track of how much we go through a week. i'll try to keep a tally next week. Matt hates that we love it.

in the past few months i have become very selfish. not realizing what it is to truly love. by that i mean it is not the ability to love, but the ability to love at all times. not just when i am happy [and feeling loved] but when i am frustrated and don't want anything to do with anyone. i am a recluse. i've stated this over and over. but when i am in my selfish-flesh state i blame being short and cold on being a recluse. i enjoy being by myself. i enjoy going places alone.

i have forgotten how much i love people.

therefore, i will try to remember what i've forgotten. beg the Lord for the strength to put myself out of the way to love others best. to the people i have been selfish towards, i am sorry.

i have a lot to say.

shifting to the otherside of love. romantic love.
i believe it is possible to love at first sight - or see the potential of love. to love someones demeanor. don't you? i have fallen in love with countless men due to their demeanor's, the way about them, the way they move their body, the way they interact, the way they sit alone in a room, the way they read, etc etc. which is why, my friends, i have issues. so i am going to try to assume friendship, realize that men cannot reach my expectations if they don't even know about it. it is hard to stay content. to be here, be all grown up, but still be so so young, that is a pressure that is beyond frustrating and doesn't do much more than get me down or get me motivated. the inbetween usually ends up being a drink in a bar, some darts, a walk around town, front porches, fido, the places i can step away and rest, realize that i am a little girl. in need of love? yes. but i am beholding everything i could ever want. the key is to realize that everything i already have is what will keep me satisified for the rest of my life.

i still have dreams about my mom. it is weird. it is good because i feel like God communicates to me through her, and maybe, just maybe she is communicating to me too. i thought about calling her the other day to ask her a question, and then i realized that she is not real. there is no possible way to do that. it was about the time that everyone wanted to call their mom to ask how to cook a certain food. and that was my natural thought, but its not possible. i'm satisified with the dreams.

last thing:
i feel the spring coming. the new life. the new beginning after seven years. seven long years. and i feel the the changes coming, good ones. i feel art picking up [moving faster, getting better, the passion, enthusiasm, energy, and the ability to relax, breathe and rest in it], communication growing, love overflowing, and growth, lots and lots of flourishing growth. its coming, and i'm waiting for it. ready to embrace it at full speed and run along side it.

i still love nashville. forevermore.

love.

cath

i made a monster today. a beautiful monster that will reside in my bed (forevermore).

his name is yet to come. it might be ben, benjamin. not sure. there are other names at hand. he's wonderful. i'm just waiting for the name to be for sure.

nashville is my home now. i can't imagine life away from here. i love the people. i love the places. i can't help but see my life here. that's what i want.

i am hurt. i am tired. i am on the floor and i can't keep going on alone. i keep pleading for someone to come and help me through. music provides me with hope, however, reality seems to be displacing that hope. looking at the hope, reality smashes it's possibility, it's truths. i find myself weak and tired. sick of going through the ringer again. over and over, i don't think i can do it anymore. i can't anymore. i'm holding out for completion, redemption, grace and hope. come quickly.

7 is the number of completion: when there is completion there is a new beginning. that new beginning is coming. about 6 more weeks until the 7 years is complete, and i am begging that there be a new beginning.

we're in a new house. apartment rather. it's hard. my room has become my haven. but more than that peoples homes (within the walls of houses) have become places of safety for me.

i am listening to emiliana torrini. i like it. my eyes keep searching this place, every face, every set of hands, every pair eyes.