dear eloquence

i am not eloquent. i wish that i was, however, i often get tangled and caught up and tripped over my words. and when it comes down to it i just need to forget that it happens and move right along, just own that embarrassment (rather, that characteristic that i hold). and when i own it, people notice less. that is beautiful. some people are cruel and point it out, but the people who are truly kind allow me to take my time and are patient with my words.

moving along .

i love that the lord reveals things to us even when we are not acting in a proper way (i really mean appropriate, not stiff back and tight words). it always amazes me how much i learn when i make the mistakes -or- when i am in a situation that is not the best, rather than being told how things work.

i now understand that charm is deceptive. i now understand how important integrity is and how much i desire that. instead of, for so long, being told to want a man full of integrity, i now understand the beauty of that quality.

the Lord allows grace and love to be poured fourth in the shittiest and silliest of situations and i truly appreciate that, not just appreciate that but i am humbled and in awe of that. love is the base of everything. therefore i need to put away my judging, snobbish attitude, quit being an ass and just really live that love. i am just as worse off as any other. take the love, allow it to wash over you and pour on out of you. amen and amen.

you lost 20 points. then i lost 20 points. then you gained 30 points (because the lose of the first 20 wasn't necessarily the fairest). so now you're just 30 points ahead. sorry & congrats.

lonely bedroom

my bedroom is fairly lonely today. and will be for the next week or so. cait is gone, in michigan, actually quite sick. it kills me to not be there, even if i just have to sit there and wait. i wish she weren't in a different state while she's sick.

today was filled with 700 emotions, i'm not even sure what they were or why they occurred. all i can recall is that there were many different feelings: a lot being deep heart aching feelings - some good, some bad, mostly resulting from music.

josé gonzález is playing my heart chords right now. figuratively, and literally. i want to be laying out on someones porch, or curled up in a hammock or what have you [with plenty of blankets], listening to the rain, listening to josé, enjoying life. being a part of that moment. of love. really.

yet. here i am in my yellow room, and by yellow i really mean it was supposed to be more sand dune colored.

dear cait. please get better. i miss you. come back to our room of love. love, kam.

ps. kirst won't be sharing my bed with me this summer - bummerwave eh? i miss sharing a bed.

today was mom's birthday. she'd be 59. crazy. eh?

this weekend consisted of a lot of relationship counseling. some free avett brothers. old friends. new friends. two awkward interactions with men. one was a better awkward which left still being strangers. the second was bad awkward and i think that he was stoned.

can't stop listening to: frightened rabbit. and horse feathers.

cait's leaving tomorrow. whatever will i do all by myself for a week?

love love.

Listen! My love is approaching.

...

bike rides & porches & hammocks & adventures. all to come.

just listened to my mom's voice. can't hold it together.

3 years now i have been alone.

7 years i have been abandoned.

and still i am told, wait.


i will.
but please let this desert meet some rains that it may be a flourishing land.

soon, i beg, dear Father, soon?

dumb self.

today i filled out the written portion of my application to watkins. what that really means is that i filled out the portion that is "paperwork." name, dob, ssn, etc etc. 

i have yet to write the essays and create my portfolio. i know. i'm a little behind. however. this just in: i'm gonna get it done & i'm gonna get it in on time. just you wait and see. 

its funny to me how sin captures my flesh and drags the rest of my body and soul in. pause. rewind. lets be honest. sometimes i go willingly. there is no dragging involved. there is luring yes. but dragging. not so much. and as the sin spreads further and further apart and months widen the spaces between each fall, the falls become less "horrible." i suppose thats the right term.  as society becomes more welcoming of sin, the church as well, and people i've respected say one things okay which has never been okay. i'm left confused.  and as those sins arise, and i fall, i have less of a guilt complex. rather. it takes longer for that complex to set in and be reality. 

its a scary thing to me how i am so quick to condemn the israelites sometimes for falling back into sin and not feeling bad til later, and then i realize that i do just the same. sometimes worse, sometimes less. but its no different. when i'm throwing up a peace sign to the Lord in the form of the bird i'm doing the exact same thing.  "peace. i don't want to listen." sometimes i say "peace. this isn't wrong. i think we both know that." 

incidentally when i'm confused on the "right-ness" or "wrong-ness" of a matter, if its wrong my conscious will seek me out. every time with out fail. even if it takes a few hours, minutes, days. it will. thats the beauty of the insides of ourselves. the invisible insides. holla.

so to you dear Father. i am sorry. cleanse me. wash me. give me strength to flip the bird to the temptation and make the right decisions. forgive me for my failure, for putting you at the cost of my meaningless, momentary pleasures. i love you, i do. but sometimes, i fail. a lot, i fail. and like the israelites i believe that you will open your arms wide. you will be faithful to me, even though i am so undeserving. forgive me. show me what is evil. make me hate it in me.