i eat cottage cheese almost every day, at at least two meals. when i was 2 it was the best thing ever. we ate it at our cottage in southern indiana. then i went back to the city and hated it until Cha convinced me that it is the best thing ever (at which point she was convincing herself of that too). Now there are 3 adult women and one baby girl in the house who eat cottage cheese everyday. if only i could keep track of how much we go through a week. i'll try to keep a tally next week. Matt hates that we love it.

in the past few months i have become very selfish. not realizing what it is to truly love. by that i mean it is not the ability to love, but the ability to love at all times. not just when i am happy [and feeling loved] but when i am frustrated and don't want anything to do with anyone. i am a recluse. i've stated this over and over. but when i am in my selfish-flesh state i blame being short and cold on being a recluse. i enjoy being by myself. i enjoy going places alone.

i have forgotten how much i love people.

therefore, i will try to remember what i've forgotten. beg the Lord for the strength to put myself out of the way to love others best. to the people i have been selfish towards, i am sorry.

i have a lot to say.

shifting to the otherside of love. romantic love.
i believe it is possible to love at first sight - or see the potential of love. to love someones demeanor. don't you? i have fallen in love with countless men due to their demeanor's, the way about them, the way they move their body, the way they interact, the way they sit alone in a room, the way they read, etc etc. which is why, my friends, i have issues. so i am going to try to assume friendship, realize that men cannot reach my expectations if they don't even know about it. it is hard to stay content. to be here, be all grown up, but still be so so young, that is a pressure that is beyond frustrating and doesn't do much more than get me down or get me motivated. the inbetween usually ends up being a drink in a bar, some darts, a walk around town, front porches, fido, the places i can step away and rest, realize that i am a little girl. in need of love? yes. but i am beholding everything i could ever want. the key is to realize that everything i already have is what will keep me satisified for the rest of my life.

i still have dreams about my mom. it is weird. it is good because i feel like God communicates to me through her, and maybe, just maybe she is communicating to me too. i thought about calling her the other day to ask her a question, and then i realized that she is not real. there is no possible way to do that. it was about the time that everyone wanted to call their mom to ask how to cook a certain food. and that was my natural thought, but its not possible. i'm satisified with the dreams.

last thing:
i feel the spring coming. the new life. the new beginning after seven years. seven long years. and i feel the the changes coming, good ones. i feel art picking up [moving faster, getting better, the passion, enthusiasm, energy, and the ability to relax, breathe and rest in it], communication growing, love overflowing, and growth, lots and lots of flourishing growth. its coming, and i'm waiting for it. ready to embrace it at full speed and run along side it.

i still love nashville. forevermore.

love.

cath

i made a monster today. a beautiful monster that will reside in my bed (forevermore).

his name is yet to come. it might be ben, benjamin. not sure. there are other names at hand. he's wonderful. i'm just waiting for the name to be for sure.

nashville is my home now. i can't imagine life away from here. i love the people. i love the places. i can't help but see my life here. that's what i want.

i am hurt. i am tired. i am on the floor and i can't keep going on alone. i keep pleading for someone to come and help me through. music provides me with hope, however, reality seems to be displacing that hope. looking at the hope, reality smashes it's possibility, it's truths. i find myself weak and tired. sick of going through the ringer again. over and over, i don't think i can do it anymore. i can't anymore. i'm holding out for completion, redemption, grace and hope. come quickly.

7 is the number of completion: when there is completion there is a new beginning. that new beginning is coming. about 6 more weeks until the 7 years is complete, and i am begging that there be a new beginning.

we're in a new house. apartment rather. it's hard. my room has become my haven. but more than that peoples homes (within the walls of houses) have become places of safety for me.

i am listening to emiliana torrini. i like it. my eyes keep searching this place, every face, every set of hands, every pair eyes.