i have vetoed Spokane. i am not against spokane, but i am going to postpone the trip to when i can combine two trips into one [and have more fun]: spending time with eric & craig, and visiting jeff & jacquie. jacquie helped with this decision. "you answer to yourself and to God. and then when you DO go and give and love, it's because you LOVE and want to give and go and do." I had been feeling the pressure and the expectations to be in spokane, but it wasn't making sense. so i am going to buy a $49 ticket that will allow me to be in chicago for a while. it's a much better plan. i tend to get overwhelmed by people having expectations of me that i didn't necessarily set. you know? its a frustrating situation because what can you do when they're family? what can you do when they've provided so much for you? the realization was that in order to be free, in order to be myself i have to have this idea that i answer to no other person. that way i am not burnt out. that way i am not loving half heartedly. do what you want, do what you love, you'll love better.
as for men. i still have no concept of understanding. sheesh. i can't even begin to understand they're opposite behavior. i can't even muster up even a simple idea of how its so okay to ignore and pretend like i am invisible. because, quite frankly its not. and then to be way into it for a brief second. makes no sense. makes me a little sick. makes me kinda want to cry and even more so makes me want to be even more independent and be the best i can be, making art and being who i am. so [terrible] positives and negatives. the end. it's a funny thing since not more than 6 months ago my only friends were dudes. and now, unless if i am into you or know for an absolute fact that you're not into me, i have such a hard time hanging out with you. no offense, it's just how things are these days. i don't understand it, but i get real awkward.
i miss making art a lot. i haven't been doing it lately. this possibility of taking care of caya less is presenting possibilities for more artwork in my life. the absence of creating in my life is taking me further away from my lord. i need space. i need a place where i can leave my paints, leave my fabric, canvas, tools, and whatever else out and have projects here and there, some on pause, some moving full speed ahead.
rocketown is a no-go [unless some miracle happens]. so i'm hoping and praying that something will open up. i've emailed a few people. i'm crossing the fingers and shooting up the prayers.
i'm drinking some mint glory right now.
bike ride with colby later. praise the lord. kool lemon bike here i come.
[thank you velour sport jacket, cut off jeans & chucks. amen]
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