thursdays

thursdays are perhaps my favorite day. not definitely, but they're up there on the list.  so let's throw in some a. a. bondy, a book about rats and maybe some other things. oh grey's, hello. having el with me during awkward interactions. caya acting like she's on crack or maybe speed, maybe both. i don't know.  all of these things make for a great thursday.  

....

i believe in the power of honesty. i don't care if you feel "less manly."  honesty [integrity] is not only honorable, but it is attractive.  that feeling of being emasculated is momentary. i promise. i beg for your honesty and truthfulness.  i desire for you to be full of integrity. 

i wish that intentions were stated up front. that if you are intrigued and want to get to know me, you tell me, up front. but i don't really want you fucking around. i don't have time for that. you probably don't either.  let's be honest, i'll be hurt more than you. 

i try to have hope in men. due to past experiences i already have a tainted view of them. they're liars, deceivers, manipulators, self-consumed, self-driven, and they will use you until you are useless to them. that is what they are in my mind. every time i find someone who seems to be full of integrity i expect them to let me down. or i expect the best things from them. i don't just let them be who they are. expectationless. i box, label, package them up and try to ship them off, leaving no room for growth, no room for being the man he can be.  

i have this issue. i'm independent. very independent. i don't want your help. i don't want your money. i'm proud, and i can do it by myself. [and for some reason i expect people to rely on me and be vulnerable. its really not fair] inevitably, i have turned into someone who is comfortable pursuing others. i have always been the one to pursue my brothers, my father, etc etc. and so, i, most times, don't allow people to pursue me. its unfortunate really. i don't understand what that looks like or how it would feel. that's why a fighter is so important, someone who is going to shake me and tell me that i need to cut me shit out and allow him to come in.

i was told by a man that you don't find the person to be with by searching for them. so there. i wipe my hands free of it. my goal is to live my life, to its fullest, loving people continuously. the key is to stay in the correct mindset. be independent, but don't be closed off to people. 

all this to say. there are a lot of things that i need to figure out. a lot of humbling and healing that needs to occur. 

also. i'm trying to get a job back to rocketown. a few days a week. pray pray pray. because that'd be amazing. 

love love.