i think my heart is growing.

this time last year hope was not an aspect of life. it most commonly came up in conversations trying to figure out why hope wasn't apart of my life.

so my heart is finally growing.

and i want to make ridiculous amounts of art work and only go to work once or twice a week. goal? yes.

it has been far too long without a hopeful heart, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

thats all.

ay ay ay.

its been three months since we were in mexico, and boy do i miss it.

emilia has been gone for three months and has one more month to go.

i am in hot pursuit of the perfect house to rent. and sheesh, it is difficult and exhausting and makes me have breakdowns in my car. and i am just trying to trust that the Lord is going to provide us with the perfect house in the perfect area (eastwood/lockeland springs/5 points) at the perfect price - preferably lower than our max. a great front porch, a great kitchen, 2 bedrooms, and some space for a studio. preferably.

oh trust and believe that the Lord will provide.

to me mum

the past two days have been an explosion inside.

mum's birthday hit me differently this year. thought about it a little the day of... my dad sent me a letter that made me weep. april nineteenth was a beautiful day. all in all.

but tuesday, the twentieth... it hit me so strangely. a lovely lovely day, but little things made me miss my mum so much.

i was being a small child - just awkward with a bad attitude. breathe in. breathe out. okay. bad attitude you have to leave.

then a beautiful man played beautiful music. every song about love. ugh. love, i hate and love it. one song hit me, very hard. giant crocodile tears. the song's name, beyond me, but the words hit so true "time don't let me love her any less".

i've been thinking about getting a tattoo that just says i will always love you. it has been stuck in my brain for some time now.

listening to the civil wars. so beautiful - give them a listen. http://www.myspace.com/thecivilwars

no sir

sometimes i forget to breathe. sit, process, & breathe. feel what i'm experiencing instead of being a solid rock, practically emotionless.

my system fails. every time.

try to be strong. show resilience. which, i do. what i forget is that when i'm being "strong and resilient" i put on a cold front. no sir, please don't get close. (and i wonder why i want companionship so badly) they don't understand who i am, where i've been, what i've gone through, am going through and where i'm going... at least that's what i've chosen for them. i've decided in my sometimes closed minded brain that people can't get me and don't want to.

but maybe i've put people in boxes. maybe i've limited their ability to understand and love. and just maybe i've pushed them far away.

so maybe. those few people that i just can't understand why not, are those that i've pushed away - that i've tried to prove something about myself when there's nothing to prove. i've made it about me.

so. there are very few days that i see them for what they are. work, interact, tickets, blah, unimaginative. but those days are vital. almost no one here is pushing and encouraging me to be a better version of who i am, so those unimaginative days save me. they allow me to see, think, and feel. my plan of being the mighty stone wall fails. every time. because at some point the soul deep deep deep inside of me taps so hard that i have to acknowledge it and let it live... they're meant to live in unison.

mind. body. soul.

i'm created to be who i am. at the core. trying to prove anything to anyone is pointless. if people like me, they like me. being so concerned about it just pushes them away.

so boom. i like discovery channel. anything about the ocean. facts. lots of facts. the human body. art. art. art. drawing. ink. every dream has a tone with colour values. i am opinionated, quiet, loud, unruly, completely inappropriate, talk too much, off colour, horrible timing, too sassy, too sarcastic, if you push my buttons i'll get too darty. i also interrupt, its a really bad habit. i try to be compassionate and loving and i really like to help and take care of people. i think i'm really funny.

thats it. i am this.

little promises

family is a tricky thing.

we each do things to abide by the family politics or to cut them out completely.

i make my family where i am. blood is generally thicker than water, but blood isn't always around, and for some of us, blood isn't always an option. so we adapt. we make our own families, and make them last as long as we can. they morph and grow, but there are always seasons - winter. spring. summer. fall.

there will always be winters in family. winters where it's just you. we're alone.

however, there's this little thing called hope. based on knowledge & experience, i know that the sun will rise every morning, and it will also set. we also know that spring comes after the cold hard winter, and at some point, winter will end.

hope is a gift. we're given little promises - we need only to be patient.

-k

ahhhh plants!

so i lived yesterday like i was about to embark on my weekend.... which means that i also had every intention of spending my entire day today gardening.

not so.

so here is what i plan on doing on my weekend, which starts tomorrow:

clockwise: ranunculus, cilantro, ranunculus, spicy basil & rosemary

sweet basil & poppies

contemplating planting some basil in the mason jars...?

all images ©kbaergen

love.

-k

passover & tradition

this morning i read one of my favorite passages: exodus 11 & 12 - the passover:

"On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn—both men and animals—and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD. The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are; and when I see the blood, I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt." ...... "Obey these instructions as a lasting ordinance for you and your descendants. When you enter the land that the LORD will give you as he promised, observe this ceremony. And when your children ask you, 'What does this ceremony mean to you?' then tell them, 'It is the Passover sacrifice to the LORD, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.' "

14:14 " the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

the first five years of my life i lived in skokie: a little melting pot of religions and ethnicities, mostly jewish & israeli, right outside the city limits. there are vivid memories of king david's bakery, menorahs, synagog, unleavened bread, etc.

this is where my deep connection with judaism began.

i grew up very aware that judaism is the start of christianity. to disregard or disrespect the jewish religion was just as much disregarding or disrespecting my own [thank you parents for teaching me this]. my first seder meal captured my heart, my emotions, and somehow dug deep into my soul and connected with it - planted a little seed. then our family trip to israel, where we emerged in tradition, culture, and the history that the old world holds. bam! my heart is hooked. judaism, israel, the middle east... it holds a special place in my heart.

it wasn't until i got older that i realized how wonderful of a religion it is, more so it's importance. every religion or belief has truth at the core, that's the beauty of diversity - that whether i believe everything you believe or not, or vis versa, we can still learn something from each other, find something we agree on.

i love the tradition of judaism, i also love how things like keeping vigil [–noun 1. wakefulness maintained for any reason during the normal hours for sleeping. 2. a watch or a period of watchful attention maintained at night or at other times] are talked about. i love how life is celebrated, and how the solemn qualities of life are kept holy and respected.

so, i am excited for passover. though, i don't celebrate it and hold the tradition of it entirely, i believe that it is important to take note of, to celebrate and to honor. so, i will try my hardest to do so. maybe think about doing so too.