love [death]

its february.

we're almost half way over with it, however the day of love[death] is the real half way point. which is tomorrow then just fourteen more days and we'll be out of this sickly month.

the second half of this month holds the day that will mark the eight year anniversary of my mom's death.

last february 22 i was certain that there would be fireworks, celebration and a huge change in me. i figured the completion of the seventh year would result in a new beginning, that something miraculous would happen, instantly. the day came and went. i did my taxes. watched the grammy's with friends (which, i'll be honest, i was kinda reluctant to, but i was bored)

nothing happened. not one thing.

last year was the first year that i spent that day alone, with no family. i didn't realize it wasn't going to be the last. now, all of us kids are all over the country. none of us are in the same state, and none of us can afford to just hop on a plane and visit each other.

it's been 8 years and it feels like it's been 20 years. terrible, right? i can barely remember my mom. every once in a while i'll have memories so vivid, but only when i'm looking at a photo or just had a dream about her, and then Poof! its gone. i guess i can only hope that somehow, someway, my memories of her will become more abundant and vivid as time goes on.

no magic, no metamorphous, nothing really fantastical has happened. i've made so many mistakes, and hurt so many people its sickening. but i have friends who, miraculously, love me through it. the most magical was probably going to mexico, but thats a little different. and it hurts when they're gone, but maybe that's the miracle. somehow, my heart has opened up & grown. i've been able to love people, and slowly, i'm allowing them to love me.

love.

k

ps. this is why i can't wait for the sugar skull, and to celebrate dia de los muertos.

Amacueca Bell Tower

from the top of the bell tower of the church of amacueca.

i just couldn't help myself.

should have been asleep an hour ago, but i just couldn't resist editing ONE photo to share with you.

more to come.

love,

-k

walks

so. a little update:

today i am going to walk to work. am i excited? yes. is it freezing out? yes. does this make me a little nervous? you bet. [but that's why there's new music on ze ipod for me to listen to.... and it'll make me love the springtime and my bike that much more]

also. started working at fido (fi hole).

i think it's going to be really good.

also. i want to go to seattle and visit jeff & jax this summer. and i need to start researching a way to take the ferry for the day to Victoria, British Columbia..... for close to zero moneys. so if you know any cheap ways, let. me. know. please?

ps. photos from mexico coming soooooon @ kbaergenart.blogspot.com .... just wait and seeeeeeee. adios. es el tiempo para el trabaja. duh.

love.

ps. photos from mexico coming soooooon @ kbaergenart.blogspot.com .... just wait and seeeeeeee.

sourthern border

ay ay ay.

first let me say that Mexico was unreal. it was better than any of us expected and nothing went wrong (except how many times each of us tripped over stupid shit).

i want everyone to explore and experience mexico the way it should be - surrounded by loving, caring locals who will show you a good time. i wish i could write down everything and let you experience it through my telling, but without being there, most is lost. and... i'm having a little trouble downloading my photos to my computer... never fear, it'll happen, and when we send off the film all our minds are going to be blown.

now that i'm back, the world of the united states is a different place. that is one thing i love about traveling outside of the US - it gives a new perspective, allows a view through different eyes. i'm having a hard time not being annoyed with our society, and even more so individual people. mainly because i spent two weeks being completely, entirely myself. to come back and realize that there are some people i've painted a different image for, or who aren't willing to see me (just as i am), is really difficult and requires a new kind of patience.

as for the mexican society (that i experienced) it is pretty much perfect. the quality of life is incredible (i don't mean how skinny or "healthy", i mean how much they enjoy life). for goodness sake they find beauty in death, decorate their cemeteries and have a day dedicated to the dead (if you can find joy in death, you're way ahead of the rest of us). i didn't see a single obese person while i was there. NOT ONE. granted, not all were in tip-top, at-the-ymca-everyday shape, but fairly healthy, none the less. i would like to connect that to the fact that

1. their food is ten times less processed than ours, they use real ingredients

2. their meet is not hormone-ized.

3. meals are about family and friends and the survival of life, not about engorging yourself with good tasting things. and certainly not about the accessibility & convenience of it.

4. they go on walks!

the people we encountered take joy in everything, i mean everything. colors, fabrics, history, society, etc.

the list goes on and on and on. therefore, just decide to experience it for yourself..... sooner than later.

all this to say. i am back. we walked a lot. we ate a lot. visited a cemetery, climbed a pyramid, climbed a giant waterfall, took a LOT of bus rides, sang, danced, drank and enjoyed every bit of it. especially the part where they couldn't speak english, so we learned spanish.

i'm ready for newness here. i'm ready to feel alive again. so, job-search-2010 is happening. so is learning spanish and learning how to make real mexican food [y pan].

so much love.

so much more to come.

-k

ps. in search of a car to use while mine is out of order.... while i save up the money to get it running, sold & get a new car.

mexico!

heading to mexico tonight.

pray for safety and favor as we (emilia, nathanael, adam & i) travel to and from mexico! Arriba!

january 6 2010

My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers:

Worship:

"And [he] pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west and Hai on the east: and there he builded an alter."

Genesis 12:8

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you. Be careful what you do with the best you have. Whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love gift. Take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. If you hoard a thing for yourself, it will turn into a spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded. God will never let you hold a spiritual thing for yourself, it has to be given back to Him that He may make it a blessing to others.

Bethel is the symbol of communion with God; Ai is the symbol of the world. Abraham pitched his tent between the two. The measure of the worth of our public activity for God is the private profound communion we have with Him. Rush is wrong every time, there is always plenty of time to worship God. Quiet days with God may be a share. We have to pitch our tents where we shall always have quiet times with God, however noisy our times with the world may be.* There are not three stages in spiritual life - worship, waiting and work. Some of us go in jumps like spiritual frogs, we jump from worship to waiting, and from waiting to work. God's idea is that the three should go together. They were always together in the life of Our Lord. He was unhasting and unresting. It is a discipline, we cannot get into it all at once.

*every one of us communicates with Our Lord differently, in different places and different ways. God has created us uniquely and given us gifts and talents. He has placed talent in us (each different) and that talent is part of Him. He places a piece of Himself within us (a little More than the other parts and allows us to be "gifted" in that area).... doesn't it just make more sense that we can communicate better with the Lord when we are working and breathing and taking steps in that area that He has put more of Himself into... that area that He has given us bits of Him that we may be talented in it......?

think about it.

for now, sionara.

a new decade

oh my dear.

it's twenty ten.

little did i know i'd actually see these days [and that they'd be so normal].

let's be honest, who didn't think that it was going to be more like the jetson's and less like 15 years ago with a few more technological breakthroughs....?

all this to say.... thus far, the new year has been full of love, good music, good dancing, and dearest friends.

i've been in this directionless [feeling] lull that i am about ready to come out of.

this year is going to be a good one. so i'll make my goals, let you know about them, and work towards being more me. doing what i love. loving me. loving others.

here, my dear, is the love that is coming your way.

embrace it, and i'll embrace yours.

love.