january 6 2010

My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers:

Worship:

"And [he] pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west and Hai on the east: and there he builded an alter."

Genesis 12:8

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you. Be careful what you do with the best you have. Whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love gift. Take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. If you hoard a thing for yourself, it will turn into a spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded. God will never let you hold a spiritual thing for yourself, it has to be given back to Him that He may make it a blessing to others.

Bethel is the symbol of communion with God; Ai is the symbol of the world. Abraham pitched his tent between the two. The measure of the worth of our public activity for God is the private profound communion we have with Him. Rush is wrong every time, there is always plenty of time to worship God. Quiet days with God may be a share. We have to pitch our tents where we shall always have quiet times with God, however noisy our times with the world may be.* There are not three stages in spiritual life - worship, waiting and work. Some of us go in jumps like spiritual frogs, we jump from worship to waiting, and from waiting to work. God's idea is that the three should go together. They were always together in the life of Our Lord. He was unhasting and unresting. It is a discipline, we cannot get into it all at once.

*every one of us communicates with Our Lord differently, in different places and different ways. God has created us uniquely and given us gifts and talents. He has placed talent in us (each different) and that talent is part of Him. He places a piece of Himself within us (a little More than the other parts and allows us to be "gifted" in that area).... doesn't it just make more sense that we can communicate better with the Lord when we are working and breathing and taking steps in that area that He has put more of Himself into... that area that He has given us bits of Him that we may be talented in it......?

think about it.

for now, sionara.

a new decade

oh my dear.

it's twenty ten.

little did i know i'd actually see these days [and that they'd be so normal].

let's be honest, who didn't think that it was going to be more like the jetson's and less like 15 years ago with a few more technological breakthroughs....?

all this to say.... thus far, the new year has been full of love, good music, good dancing, and dearest friends.

i've been in this directionless [feeling] lull that i am about ready to come out of.

this year is going to be a good one. so i'll make my goals, let you know about them, and work towards being more me. doing what i love. loving me. loving others.

here, my dear, is the love that is coming your way.

embrace it, and i'll embrace yours.

love.

if you exist

dear reader [if you exist],

let me address the fact that it is much more difficult to write in a blog when you are back home and have requirements and expectations for everyday living.

welcome back to nashville!

there are a few monumental things that happened today.

• i didn't oversleep, my car made it to work and i completed a full work day (after staying up far too late atop a long day of traveling.... oops).

• i had to be an adult (of which i encountered people who were actually nice and enjoyed their job, and who did not make me more scared of taking care of loans, bills, etc.).

• and i finished the night with a wonderful game of unpack, reorganize and get so sick of it you watch all the same movies you've already seen and then fall asleep on the couch*

• a bump in the road has happened for the viva mexico trip**

all this to say, i'm exhausted, my bed is made just enough so i can sleep in it, and the warmth in the room is lulling me to sleep. tomorrow's a new day, and the beginning of celebrating the new year [and decade. oh, man, that just came out of no where].

other events planned for tomorrow: letter writing, cleaning, and work. awesome***

love love love.

*my room is not finished.... still

**i got my passport!!!!! yes yes yes. oh thank you, i look like i'm already traveling the world.... i have a feeling this passport is going to see many many places!

***this is half sarcastic half dead serious.

dear john, sorry we're breaking up...

dear extra 30 pounds on my body,

you have plagued my life far too long, therefore, prepare yourself to die. and guess what... you're going to die quickly. no slow painful death, thank you very much. 

so. as soon as i am back in the great nash, you will begin to pack your things and leave me. 

love, kami

love love love

ps. i am really in love with the movie julie & julia

pps. a new thought in my life.... (which is more like an idea that's always been there).... be a tattoo artist? 

ppps. if you haven't seen sherlock holmes yet, you'd better get your ass up and go see it. 

pppps. i love my family... but i am excited to be back in Nashville.

tis so sweet to be home

i am home.

praise the sweet sweet Lord.

i made it safely (although my plane got delayed twice equalling to an hour or so). the ride in the limo from the airport to the house was excruciatingly (i just spelled that correctly on the first try!) long. sheesh.

it has been the biggest blessing to be home. currently, no one is home. Meg is at a doctors appointment, the boys are.... somewhere?... padre is at the office and the madre is at the office as well. so here i am, little annie and i hanging out. there is about 7 inches of snow hanging out on the ground.... and guess what? it's still snowing.

they are family, and i am so thankful that they made this trip possible - %100. i wouldn't be here right now if they hadn't gotten me here, and sheesh, it feels SO good to be loved like that!

this morning i got to spend time with my dear baby kirst, which, let me tell you, was one of the greatest things - it was almost 9 months since i had seen her last and those nine months were TERRIBLE without her. she is beautiful, and inspires me, and yet again, asked me to move to seattle with her. OH the temptation. However, I need to move for me, not for her (as jacquie says). I'll be there one day, but when I am supposed to be there.

the grandparents (kk & big jim) are coming in today. it is my job to a. clean the house before they get here, and b. make sure that i have worked out and showered and look my best when they arrive.

so far, nothings cleaned (i'm in my fifty cent men's denim shirt and leggings).

as for now,

sionara.

the skinny

so.

it's happening.

first. i have begun a biggest loser competition with my roommate, and two of her coworkers (and my friends).

second. i'm going to win.

third. i am going to document the whole process of weight loss and getting healthier [everything] as soon as i get home from chicago (in about 10 days).

the lovely sarah barlow and myself are going to keep the records and start the documentation, for the public, but really for our own benefits and the beauty of a process.

fourth. i am SO excited.

fifth. just you wait. you won't even know what's going to happen to you [or to me, rather].

summer in short shorts? yes please.

mexico very very soon?! cannot wait. cannot wait for leggings and 120 & 35mm film. praise the lord.

here is home

there are plenty of reasons why i steer clear of leaving nashville.

sometimes i feel like if i leave i might either get stuck somewhere else or nashville might disappear while i'm away, and again... i'm stuck. about two weeks before leaving i am thrilled and could not be more ready to go, but when it comes to the final 5 days before going there is anxiety shooting through the roof. its almost unbearable, hence not leaving town.

here is home. i hate leaving it. i've made a home for myself, a place where i love, feel loved and feel that i love best in. to leave is like walking away from one of the greater things that has happened in my life (again, this fear that it'll disappear when i get on that plane arises). atop of that fear, this time, i am leaving to go where there is a lot of wounds [hurt, scars, heartache]. for seven whole days.

i've never been away from nashville more than five days. eesh. i'm scared.

i love my family. i really do. they have taken me in and treated me as their sister and daughter. but it is hard. i get to watch every family member be in love with someone and then drill me as to why there is no one home with me. hurrah! what i've been waiting for all year [please pick up on this sarcasm].

it breaks my heart - every year it is harder to not have someone supporting me while i'm home - someone who loves me [romantically, hello]. someone to rescue me from all the ridiculousness, all the awkward conversations, my dad, my sister, my aunt and uncle, to support me through the pain, and help me to be joyful. although it gets harder some ways, it gets easier too.... i think i'm more used to it than anything. although i'll probably throw up whenever someone kisses another person [yes i am 9 and embarrassed].

i'm scared to see my father. its been two years, or more.

i want to visit my mom's grave. golly. i miss her.

i cannot wait to see meg & the fam. i cannot wait to see kirst.

i really want to drink boboa tea.

i really want to go to the leather thrift store and spend money i don't have.

my heart hurts. my anxiety has kicked in. i'm nervous to fly. i hate being far from home.

another year. another year alone. ok. ready? go. i can do this? yes. i hope so. give me strength.

love love love