dumb self.

today i filled out the written portion of my application to watkins. what that really means is that i filled out the portion that is "paperwork." name, dob, ssn, etc etc. 

i have yet to write the essays and create my portfolio. i know. i'm a little behind. however. this just in: i'm gonna get it done & i'm gonna get it in on time. just you wait and see. 

its funny to me how sin captures my flesh and drags the rest of my body and soul in. pause. rewind. lets be honest. sometimes i go willingly. there is no dragging involved. there is luring yes. but dragging. not so much. and as the sin spreads further and further apart and months widen the spaces between each fall, the falls become less "horrible." i suppose thats the right term.  as society becomes more welcoming of sin, the church as well, and people i've respected say one things okay which has never been okay. i'm left confused.  and as those sins arise, and i fall, i have less of a guilt complex. rather. it takes longer for that complex to set in and be reality. 

its a scary thing to me how i am so quick to condemn the israelites sometimes for falling back into sin and not feeling bad til later, and then i realize that i do just the same. sometimes worse, sometimes less. but its no different. when i'm throwing up a peace sign to the Lord in the form of the bird i'm doing the exact same thing.  "peace. i don't want to listen." sometimes i say "peace. this isn't wrong. i think we both know that." 

incidentally when i'm confused on the "right-ness" or "wrong-ness" of a matter, if its wrong my conscious will seek me out. every time with out fail. even if it takes a few hours, minutes, days. it will. thats the beauty of the insides of ourselves. the invisible insides. holla.

so to you dear Father. i am sorry. cleanse me. wash me. give me strength to flip the bird to the temptation and make the right decisions. forgive me for my failure, for putting you at the cost of my meaningless, momentary pleasures. i love you, i do. but sometimes, i fail. a lot, i fail. and like the israelites i believe that you will open your arms wide. you will be faithful to me, even though i am so undeserving. forgive me. show me what is evil. make me hate it in me.