4.29

found this from april 29th of this year:

the sad part of growing up is that not everyone does. i don't mean in the lose your child like imagination and fantasy, because i'm on board with staying childlike in your imagination and creativity. this however has to do with personal growth.

we each grow at different rates, deal with various road blocks and struggle through this, that and the next.

but some people just never grew up, never matured, never had to make something for themselves, or maybe just haven't dealt with that really hard situation which happens to be the one that makes the giant light bulb light up and make everything click into place.

its an unfortunate thing to grow up too soon. the girls around me are all so young, so young. a combination of my "too-much" maturity, and media crashing into one horrible, lip glossed "likes", and a lot of non-senseical insecurities.

and then i realize that every person deals with their different struggles, their life changing battle at different times. mine all started when i was 14. and now i realize two things: first that too often my nerves revert me into a protection shell, therefore, if i am acting cold, it's most likely that i am nervous about talking to you (or you're a creep, but im assuming that you are not). second, i've discovered in the last week or so (THIS IS BIG) that whoever it is that i spend my life with (if i am even blessed to marry), i want them to be near my age. i don't want to miss out on my childhood anymore than i already have. i need whoever the love of my life may be, to be someone who can and will act like a child with me, who will push my creativity, my imagination and NEVER NEVER NEVER let the adults make my life about statistics & figures.

The Little Prince:

All grown-ups were children first. (But few remember it).... Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is exhausting for children to have to provide explanations over and over again.

so i hope and pray for someone to share my life with who is mature, yet child like.

none of us grow up at the same rate, but maybe some of us can help the others grow, but maintain child like aspects and virtues.

i think my heart is growing.

this time last year hope was not an aspect of life. it most commonly came up in conversations trying to figure out why hope wasn't apart of my life.

so my heart is finally growing.

and i want to make ridiculous amounts of art work and only go to work once or twice a week. goal? yes.

it has been far too long without a hopeful heart, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

thats all.

ay ay ay.

its been three months since we were in mexico, and boy do i miss it.

emilia has been gone for three months and has one more month to go.

i am in hot pursuit of the perfect house to rent. and sheesh, it is difficult and exhausting and makes me have breakdowns in my car. and i am just trying to trust that the Lord is going to provide us with the perfect house in the perfect area (eastwood/lockeland springs/5 points) at the perfect price - preferably lower than our max. a great front porch, a great kitchen, 2 bedrooms, and some space for a studio. preferably.

oh trust and believe that the Lord will provide.

to me mum

the past two days have been an explosion inside.

mum's birthday hit me differently this year. thought about it a little the day of... my dad sent me a letter that made me weep. april nineteenth was a beautiful day. all in all.

but tuesday, the twentieth... it hit me so strangely. a lovely lovely day, but little things made me miss my mum so much.

i was being a small child - just awkward with a bad attitude. breathe in. breathe out. okay. bad attitude you have to leave.

then a beautiful man played beautiful music. every song about love. ugh. love, i hate and love it. one song hit me, very hard. giant crocodile tears. the song's name, beyond me, but the words hit so true "time don't let me love her any less".

i've been thinking about getting a tattoo that just says i will always love you. it has been stuck in my brain for some time now.

listening to the civil wars. so beautiful - give them a listen. http://www.myspace.com/thecivilwars

no sir

sometimes i forget to breathe. sit, process, & breathe. feel what i'm experiencing instead of being a solid rock, practically emotionless.

my system fails. every time.

try to be strong. show resilience. which, i do. what i forget is that when i'm being "strong and resilient" i put on a cold front. no sir, please don't get close. (and i wonder why i want companionship so badly) they don't understand who i am, where i've been, what i've gone through, am going through and where i'm going... at least that's what i've chosen for them. i've decided in my sometimes closed minded brain that people can't get me and don't want to.

but maybe i've put people in boxes. maybe i've limited their ability to understand and love. and just maybe i've pushed them far away.

so maybe. those few people that i just can't understand why not, are those that i've pushed away - that i've tried to prove something about myself when there's nothing to prove. i've made it about me.

so. there are very few days that i see them for what they are. work, interact, tickets, blah, unimaginative. but those days are vital. almost no one here is pushing and encouraging me to be a better version of who i am, so those unimaginative days save me. they allow me to see, think, and feel. my plan of being the mighty stone wall fails. every time. because at some point the soul deep deep deep inside of me taps so hard that i have to acknowledge it and let it live... they're meant to live in unison.

mind. body. soul.

i'm created to be who i am. at the core. trying to prove anything to anyone is pointless. if people like me, they like me. being so concerned about it just pushes them away.

so boom. i like discovery channel. anything about the ocean. facts. lots of facts. the human body. art. art. art. drawing. ink. every dream has a tone with colour values. i am opinionated, quiet, loud, unruly, completely inappropriate, talk too much, off colour, horrible timing, too sassy, too sarcastic, if you push my buttons i'll get too darty. i also interrupt, its a really bad habit. i try to be compassionate and loving and i really like to help and take care of people. i think i'm really funny.

thats it. i am this.

little promises

family is a tricky thing.

we each do things to abide by the family politics or to cut them out completely.

i make my family where i am. blood is generally thicker than water, but blood isn't always around, and for some of us, blood isn't always an option. so we adapt. we make our own families, and make them last as long as we can. they morph and grow, but there are always seasons - winter. spring. summer. fall.

there will always be winters in family. winters where it's just you. we're alone.

however, there's this little thing called hope. based on knowledge & experience, i know that the sun will rise every morning, and it will also set. we also know that spring comes after the cold hard winter, and at some point, winter will end.

hope is a gift. we're given little promises - we need only to be patient.

-k

ahhhh plants!

so i lived yesterday like i was about to embark on my weekend.... which means that i also had every intention of spending my entire day today gardening.

not so.

so here is what i plan on doing on my weekend, which starts tomorrow:

clockwise: ranunculus, cilantro, ranunculus, spicy basil & rosemary

sweet basil & poppies

contemplating planting some basil in the mason jars...?

all images ©kbaergen

love.

-k