last night i caught sight of a little piece of art on the little wall next to the register in fido.
it looked oddly familiar. its always the same girl that has her work that, that the employees put there. i kept looking at it, staring. hm. what? she totally stole my idea! she must have found a piece of art that i had made for brandon and copied it. i looked closer. that looks just like my handwriting. i kept staring.
i saw my signature. it was my art.
what a wonderful special moment.

i still am not sure if i believe romantic love exists for me.

also. exploring the options of taking some classes this next year. we will see.

i so badly wanted today to be something glorious. to at least have the feeling of a new beginning, a fresh start.

but today it seemed like the cards were stacked against me. failed test, broken car, payments, bills, etc etc. i was so disappointed, so frustrated.

i need help. i need that new beginning that's been a promise. i don't need to leave nashville, i just need a door closed and a new one opened.

la.

it comes and goes

its funny to see how passions come and go. drive shifts from one thing to another. not ever saying that you love that last thing less, however, it just shifts, to something, new, exciting, maybe just more real to you.

for so many years i was determined and convinced that i was going to asia. i was going to live there, thrive there, spend a portion of my life there. i could feel it in my bones, i knew my future. it was the forefront of my mind. i had no intention of being a missionary, i don't believe i'm called to that. rather, work my job, make my art and love people: open up my home to people who need a haven. working hard, my husband and i, to fight injustice, to create beauty and hope where both seemed to have turned to calamity, disaster and brutality. i could see my future every day i lived.

and then i forgot.

i became consumed with the place i was in - however healing it was that i took that time, i want to be involved again. living a life more meaningful than just going to work, and enjoying my weekends.

i was designed to create art where there seems to be no sight of hope. i don't know what that looks like. i think it would be incredible to work in an organization, making art for them - doing the artistic side of things, being a personal assistant to the head of design somewhere or another.
who knows. but what i do know is that (the lady behind me has the majority of her computer desktop covered with documents, files, and various softwares... packrat?) anything concerning japan catches my attention: japan, china, vietnam, nepal, thailand, etc etc. i want to go. really i do.

other destinations that are at the top: france. norway. italy. greece.

moment of honesty: usually when i read a newspaper i go to the international sections and read them first, then the crosswords [for suntimes, the "love is..."] then the US news.

so. we will see. love.

currently listening to: joseph arthur.

a few things i haven't been able to get off my mind:
coldplay's viva la vida
ra ra riot
king's of leon's only by night.

my black berry is no more. well i still have it, but it is no longer in use. new phone. which is dumb. however, it is going to be 30 bucks cheaper every month, which is kinda needed right now.

i kinda feel like there isn't much support for the recycling that's going on. true, it seems dumb to be frustrated about, but its real simple. [cardboard, paper, glass, plastics.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjJqEzS4PkE&feature=related - coldplay at 09 grammys.

i'm sitting at fido. after a long evening of being sick. now i'm drinking sprite to ease the tummy. 

watched the grammy's last night.  thom york was incredible as always. i'm waiting for teh coldplay/jay-z video to load so i can see that one too. 

its beautiful outside, and love is in the air. just not in the air i breathe.  max told me that i just need a dude to put me in my place: tell me what to do, be just as much of a smart ass, etc etc.  i replied with "well i just don't think its gonna happen max. lets be honest, most men i've met in nash is either as ass, too short or is soft spoken.  all things that just don't fall into the category of what i need." 

so i am waiting. patiently. trying to focus on what i need, who i am created to be.  we'll wait and see. and wait some more. and when someone can smart ass me back, put me in my place, be stronger than me, then yes. i am waiting for you. come soon. k thanks. 

also. death cab in may. holla. also. thinking about a new job. holla. 

i don't drink enough water. lets be honest.

its ridiculously cold outside. i couldn't get out of bed this morning because our house gets so so cold, at least my room does.

good to catch up with kent last night. its been way too long, and really way too long since i've been involved with the people at rocket.

beard man is still a mystery. what's more mysterious to me is why there are always these random men that i see everywhere and are pretty shady (shady in the mysterious way).

art work is moving along. ish. finishing the painting for kelly, lacey and stephs house tonight.

i've got nothing more to say. except homemade granola and pomegranate green tea are the shit.